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Thanksgiving; Time with Family. No Thanks

copyright © 2009 Betsy L. Angert.  BeThink.org As Americans ponder the Thanksgiving Day holiday expectations are high. Young children look forward to all the activities loved ones plan. School age individuals are told tales of the Pilgrims and the Indians that befriended early settlers.  Most imagine that on this November day, people come together peaceably.  That, for the little ones is a welcome thought.  Too often, tension exists in the parent child relationship.  Some say angst increases as the offspring age.  Whilst many wish to believe the strain occurs over time, as a child becomes more autonomous, indeed, recent research shows early interactions give rise to the relationship that will be. Toddlers and tots rarely have opportunities to quietly, calmly, and genuinely converse with parents or the caregivers they are fond of.   Hence, lads and lasses feel a sense of loss.  By the teen years, the thought of another Thanksgiving celebration with relatives evokes an almost automatic response, "No thanks."

Many know the routine and the rhetoric.  Yet, adolescent and adults live the truth.  Mostly Mama or Papa chats are instant, online, and consists of more banter than conversation.

Thankfully, a second stolen in the car, a tender thought expressed while on the run, these are life's little riches.  Yet, these treasures occur infrequently.  Oh, how much Mike and Michelle yearn for a few hours of tête-à-tête with the Moms and Dads they love.  Juanita and Jorge too hunger for a long and heartfelt talk, followed by a hug.  Angelique and Akil desire discourse.  A deep discussion with Mama and Papa would mean so much.  Children crave a balance, parental involvement coupled with reciprocal reverence.  A baby, a boy, a girl, or a blossoming adult wants a hand to hold gingerly rather than a hand that guide.

While mothers and fathers also hope to establish a strong relationship with their offspring and other relatives what occurs at home is often other than fulfilling.  Time together on Thanksgiving Day does provide for a new normal.  Superficial exchanges are as common during the commemoration as they are day to day. We dream of the good times and too frequently feel the holidays are not it.  Nevertheless, individuals still hold on to hope.  Let there be a reason to give thanks.

In some, Thanksgiving Day, and the entire celebratory season, elicits memories of fight or flight.  Nonetheless, there is a thought that usually associated with appreciation; a turkey feast will likely be featured on the menu.  Pumpkin pie will probably be served too.  Oh my!  

Thank goodness for food.  With childhood memories intact, men and women who reflect on the delicious delicacies expect to feel fulfilled or full even if they feel forced to endure the company of family.  Sights, smells and that ever-present sense of loss will stimulate emotional overeating.   Elders promise themselves, just this once they will indulge.  After all, Thanksgiving Day is special occasion.  At least food is a fine distraction from feelings of loneliness or a lack of involvement.  Indeed, as headlines howl, Isolated Americans try to connect  . . .  not with Mom, Pop, and siblings, with all the other more welcome traditions.

A time to party, to perform, to watch football, to prove to ourselves that we are [authentically] close to others, and to pretend.  Thanks for the distractions.

Those that wish to act in the spirit of the national holiday can also take refuge.  After all, the intent of the celebration is good.  Community Service acts of kindness can be even better.  A Christmas Gift Drive, Homeless Shelters and Soup Kitchens, helping the elderly, animals, and others in need can never be wrong.  However, even when engaged in an honorable pursuit, so many say they feel alone in the crowd.  The sensation can be as it is in a home full of holiday lore and little love.  Grateful? For what?

Thanksgiving Day, and more so the day after, illustrate an American truth.  "People are increasingly busy," said Margaret Gibbs, a psychologist at Fairleigh Dickinson University. "We've become a society where we expect things instantly, and don't spend the time it takes to have real intimacy with another person."

Author, and Clinical Psychologist, Madeline Levine reflects on what she sees in her practice.  As recounted in a Washington Post article, the mother of three observes; over-involved parents who pressure their children to be stars -- in school, on athletic fields, among their peers -- have created a generation that is "extremely unhappy, disconnected and passive." Immodestly materialistic and indifferent to worldly affairs, young persons, from an early age on are both bored and "often boring," writes Psychologist Levine.

When the apathetic, acquisitive find themselves lost and without a cause, they do what is familiar.  People shop until they drop..  Much to the delight of retailers, the parents and their children shop.  Bye-bye forced family togetherness.  Hello , buy, buy, buy.  Thanks for the gifts.

Purveyors are happiest whence the Thanksgiving holiday arrives.  During these November and December days, people rush to the stores with a greater sense of purpose.  The Friday after the traditional Thursday celebration begins their best time of year.  People purchase presents to give to one and all.  It seems that love is in the air from late November until the New Year. In truth, even when individuals meet with family or friends in the winter, when they mix, and mingle in the spirit of gratitude, few feel connected.  

Indeed, Americans express a sense of separation..  It is no wonder we hope a holiday will console us, help us feel connected.

Yet, as John Powell, a Psychologist at the University of Illinois Counseling Center, states "The frequency of contact and volume of contact does not necessarily translate into the quality of contact." The observer of social behavior understands; most persons, young or old, do what is comfortable, even if that means stay a safe distance apart from the persons he or she most wants in their lives.

Thus on this Thanksgiving Day, it may be important to reflect on all the hours before and after. Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Duke University Sociologist offers, "We know theseclose ties are what people depend on in bad times. "We're not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com [a popular networking Web site] and e-mail 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important."  Nor are these persons, when home, engaged in conversations that communicate much.

Possibly, parents and children can find more personal ways to establish and then retain a reciprocally reverent relationship.  On this day of thanks, and the eve of Black Friday people may ponder; food, fun with those we barely know, and material finds are not golden.

Psychologist Madeline Levine, Author of The Price of Privilege" proclaims advantages are not always as they appear to be.  Affluence does not breed brotherly alliances.  Nor does money beget benevolence.  Children do not connect to cash givers.  Possessions may not leave a loved one proud.  Moms and Dads cannot bequeath material goods and hope to receive emotional gifts in return.  However . . 

There are several thing parents can do: Families should eat dinner together [and truly talk]  as much as possible, and kids should be involved in rituals -- at church, the synagogue, at Meals on Wheels or wherever.

Parents need to impose consistent discipline, which will help kids develop self-control, which is vital.

Kids should never, ever, be paid for grades. Real learning is about effort and improvement, not performance. Your kid's C actually may be the far greater achievement than the A that comes easily.

And they should have chores. A lot of kids I see don't have to do anything except shine. And if you turn out kids who aren't expected to do anything but shine, you turn out narcissistic or self-centered kids. As one girl I see told me, "If I'm so special, why do I have to clear the table?"

Ah, the mundane deeds can be so divine.  Everyday errands and exchanges can build character and give birth to a quality bond. On any date we can choose to be more open and honest in our interactions.  

Thanksgiving Day and the holiday season are a good time to slow down, chat, and pay homage to the humanity that resides within your home. With relatives near or far, everyday deference would be even better.  It is never too late to learn how to relate, to change habits, and to bring into being the tenderness that might not have existed in the early years.  Expressions of gratitude and kindheartedness have no season, and need no reason.  Thankful.  Hopefully that is what each of us might feel.  Beginning today, we can chose to consciously create togetherness from birth, in childhood, as adults, and always.

References and relationships . . . 

• Tension common in parent-child relationships. Live Science.  MSNBC. May 7, 2009
• Gene-Environment Interplay and the Origins of Individual Differences in Behavior, Frances A. Champagne and Rahia Mashoodh.  Columbia University. Association for Psychological Science  Volume 18-Number 3.  Copyright 2009
• More Parent-Child Quality Time? Thank Harvard,  BV Catherine Rampell.  The New York Times. August 26, 2009, 2:25 PM
• That Parent-Child Conversation Is Becoming Instant, and Online, John Schwartz.  The New York Times. January 3, 2004
• Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers),  By Laurie Tarkan.  The New York Times. November 3, 2009
• When parents are too hands-on, By Stephanie Dunnewind.  The Seattle Times. September 4, 2004
• I'm dreaming of a right-size Christmas, By Carolyn Butler. Washington Post. Monday, November 23, 2009 3:44 PM
• stimulate Mindful Emotional Eating: Leveraging More Coping per Calorie, By Pavel G. Somov PH.D. Psych Central. November 24, 2009
• Community Service Projects for Kids,Youth,& Families.  Families With Purpose.
• Isolated Americans trying to connect.  The Associated Press.  USA Today.  August 5, 2006
• Social Isolation Growing in U.S., Study Says, The Number of People Who Say They Have No One to Confide In Has Risen.  By Shankar Vedantam.  Washington Post.  Friday, June 23, 2006
• Parents create 'disconnected' generation." UPI NewsTrack. 2006. Retrieved November 01, 2009 from accessmylibrary
• National Young Readers Week November 9 through the 13, 2009.

Capitalism; Dead, Alive, and Broken

copyright © 2009 Betsy L. Angert.  BeThink.org For but a moment, whilst the Group of 20 [G20] met in London's ancient financial capital, ,"The City," the roars of remorse, could be heard.  Words of woe had been whispered in hushed tones for quite some time.  Scholars spoke of various possibilities on occasion.  Whether Senior Economic Fellows from various think-tanks thought a system to be dead, alive, or near doomed, there was perhaps a bit of agreement.  "I see what you mean.  It is broken," Economist Mark Thoma mused more than a year ago.

The public screamed out in pain for decades; however, few cared about the cries of countless common folks.  Those who argued against principles that place profits before people were easily ignored for they had no power and less influence.  Much to the chagrin of corporate titans, even Economistswarned; this could be the end of Capitalism.  Yet, until early in the day, only weeks ago, no one paid much attention to what has become a customary declaration for everyday workers.  Morning has broken, and Capitalism is shattered as well.  

America adopted and advanced a system that was unsustainable..  More than once, "systemic failures" revealed the folly of free enterprise principles.  Nonetheless, worldwide people were convinced to purchase damaged goods and premises.  Yet, as Journalist Professor, Robert Jensen contends, "most notably those in the business world and their functionaries and apologists in the schools, universities, mass media, and mainstream politics" do not want to admit that this is so.

Wanted; Dead or Alive 
The evidence is everywhere.  What was a question rarely uttered, "Is Capitalism Dead?" has become a statement, or perhaps the dream of those who have been severely affected by this most devastating downturn.

Wealthy watch breathlessly as stock markets crash.  Banks fail.  Blue Chip companies crumble.  Foreclosures flourish, and people, those once thoughtprosperous, pour out onto the avenue in search of a job, or some sense of stability.

Perhaps, that is why, average citizens felt a need to break the silence, to speak of the broken Capitalist system.  In the shadow of powerful and prosperous Presidents and Prime Ministers, who gathered together for the G20 Conference, 4,000 demonstrators pleaded, not for pity, but for relief from a fiscal system that requires poverty.  

Frustrated and forlorn by an attitude that fosters further advancement of free market principles, at least in the United Kingdom, dissenters shouted in disgust.  It would not be wise to work within an economic structure that changed the global culture in ways that ultimately brought international institutions down.  

On a fateful day, early in April a young girl in the crowd, Aeyla Windridge pleaded.  I want "the death of Capitalism."  The twelve-year-old spoke to what Heads of State had not for centuries.  "Capitalism isn't in crisis, capitalism is the crisis," so said another activist.  

Recovery, Reinvestment, and Rescue 
Few of the principal players, those who represented the twenty participant countries were willing, or able to acknowledge the free market theory is flawed.  Most of the prominent Heads of State were, and continue to be, content with sanguine assessments.  Up to 85 percent of global gross national product comes from the shores of but a score of countries.  Eighty [80] percent  of world trade comes from these territories.  Americans, who might be thought of as the authors of Capitalism, saw and see no reason to change the status quo, at least not substantially.

Borrow and spend had worked well in the past for the superpower, or so the US government attempted to advocate.  While the President poses this philosophy cannot stand, America must move away "from an era of borrow-and-spend to one where we save and invest," in the same breath, the Chief Executive who represents the country that gave birth to free enterprise, endorses the framework, just as those who preceded him did. (Please peruse the text What Ever Happened to Free Enterprise, By Ronald Reagan)

Capitalism, the Obama Administration states, was not the cause of the planet-wide monetary collapse.  Only greed, excesses, and a lack of regulations brought about the demise of the dollar, and the rate of exchange.  As he addressed other world leaders in attendance at the G20 Conference President Obama conceded, "the crisis began in the United States.  I take responsibility even if I wasn't even president at the time." However, Mister Obama contends all countries must be accountable for this massive macro-breakdown.  America's Chief Executive proposes plans intended to strengthen a Capitalist structure.

In his April 4, 2009 Action to Address to the Global Economic Downturn, President Obama encouraged more regulations in an attempt to expand a consumer-based Capitalist theory.  With little regard for how the American way of life, which the President does not apologize for, cripples common, people throughout the world, Mister Obama declared. 

"(W)e know that the success of America's economy is inextricably linked to that of the global economy. If people in other countries cannot spend, that means they cannot buy the goods we produce here in America,  . . . if we continue to let banks and other financial institutions around the world act recklessly and irresponsibly, that affects institutions here at home as credit dries up, and people can't get loans to buy a home or car, to run a small business or pay for college.

Ultimately, the only way out of a recession that is global in scope is with a response that is global in coordination."

One is reminded of why, in earlier years, no one spoke vociferously of the crisis that is Capitalism.  Ordinary people were busy.  For centuries, regular folks worked day and night only to bring home a nominal paycheck.  Even in prosperous nations, people could barely afford to put food on the table.  People took trivial jobs just to secure shelter.  Millions felt forced to pursue professional paths that offer few rewards.  The only goal for the average Joe and Jane was to stay afloat.  Few have had the time or energy to protest their circumstances, or what the powers-that-be had and have imposed internationally.  Today, and in the past, worldwide economic slavery has sufficed.  That is until now.  

Lest the President and Prime Ministers elsewhere forget, in the States, and abroad, people are out of work.  The promise of an ownership society,where "people, from all walks of life," would open the door of their private residence and say, "Welcome to my home" proved to be but a myth.  The pledge of plump stock portfolios for everyone through Capitalism was a claim never substantiated.  Contrary to the oft-voiced assurances, the American Dream could be achieved anywhere on Earth If people only invested in a free market economy, this current fiscal crisis has shown the world, words were but wishes promoted by the prosperous.

Regardless of how average people are punished by a fiscal formula that requires there be poor people, the current President intends to preserve the Capitalist principles that govern a global economy.  While Mister Obama may not profess a commitment to an "ownership society," he too wishes to encourage people to possess what they cannot afford.  

Broken Beyond Benevolence 
In contrast, more than a few Economists have begun to contemplate the wisdom of a system based on constant consumption.  Experts in monetary movements examine, What went wrong and, rather more importantly for the future, what did not. Other statistician who study the social science of fiscal affairs suggest there is ""Good Capitalism, (and) Bad Capitalism."  Certainly, no matter the belief, with cause, "Capitalism is under fire."  

William Pfaff, the author of eight books on American foreign policy, international relations, and contemporary history has pondered the depths of a paradigm profoundly broken. Mister Pfaff offers a perspective less limited than the simpler theories often presented by Administrations and Academics.  The  observer of intercontinental issues writes . . . 

The essential question is, what capitalism are we talking about? Since the 1970s, two fundamental changes have been made in the leading (American) model of capitalism.

The first is that the "stakeholder," post-New Deal reformed version of capitalism (in America) that prevailed in the West after World War II was replaced by a new model of corporate purpose and responsibility.

The earlier model said that corporations had a duty to ensure the well-being of employees, and an obligation to the community (chiefly but not exclusively fulfilled through corporate tax payments).

That model has been replaced by one in which corporation managers are responsible for creating short-term "value" for owners, as measured by stock valuation and quarterly dividends.

The practical result has been constant pressure to reduce wages and worker benefits (leading in some cases to theft of pensions and other crimes), and political lobbying and public persuasion to lower the corporate tax contribution to government finance and the public interest.

In short, the system in the advanced countries has been rejigged since the 1960s to take wealth from workers, and from the funding of government, and transfer it to stockholders and corporate executives.

There is ample evidence to support the author's contention.  In 1970, the recipient of a Nobel Memorial Prize on Economic Sciences, Milton Friedman, encouraged an emphasis on corporate earnings. A culture that creates a vibrant community, Friedman insisted is counter to "The Social Responsibility of Business is to Increase its Profits"

Decades later, his disciples of sorts, Presidents Ronald Reagan,  George Herbert Walker Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush, each implemented plans that increased earned income for the influential and decreased available dollars for the already disadvantaged.  Policies designed to protect and promote an American entrepreneurial taxonomy, or Capitalistic interests, were proposed as a means to spread democracy.  Planet-wide, people and economic practices were transformed. 

The second change that has taken place is globalization.  The crucial effect of this for society in the advanced countries is that it puts labor into competition with the poorest countries on earth.

We need go no further with what I realize is a very complex matter, other than to note the classical economist David Ricardo's "iron law of wages," which says that in conditions of wage competition and unlimited labor supply, wages will fall to just above subsistence.

There never before has been unlimited labor.  There is now, thanks to globalization - and the process has only begun.

The variance is vast.  Those who have possess so much.  The portion of population that owns little, have far less than even an average individual might imagine.  The wealthy cannot conceive of a life where food might be the most valuable commodity.  A world in which water is worth more than gold seems unthinkable to those who thrive in "civilized" communities,  Yet, this reality may come to towns in a Capitalist country.   Indeed, in some American communities, this truth appears today.

Nonetheless, agreements secured at the G20 summit ensure the adoption of a debt-driven American-style "democracy."  An arrangement, in which all are not created equal, will continue to be the practiced and preferred economic system planet-wide.  People will once again forget assessments presented less than a decade ago. 

Many of the radicals leading the protests may be on the political fringe.  But they have helped to kick-start a profound re-thinking  about globalization among governments, mainstream economists, and corporations that, until recently, was carried on mostly in obscure think tanks and academic seminars.

The reassessment is badly overdue.  In the late 20th century, global capitalism was pushed by leaps in technology, the failure of socialism, and East Asian's seemingly miraculous success.  Now, it's time to get realistic.  the plain truth is that market liberalization by itself does not lift all boats, and in some cases, it has caused damage to poor nations.  What's more, there's no point denying that multi-nationals have contributed to labor, environmental, and human rights abuses as they pursue profits around the globe . . .

(After a ten-year expansion of market capitalism around the world, as of the year 2000) The World Bank figures the number of people living on a $1 a day increased to 1.3 billion, over the past decade.

The extremes of global capitalism are astonishing . . .  If global capitalism's flaws aren't addressed, the backlash could grow more severe.

Indeed, the repercussions have been relentless.  Near a century of consumption, solely for the sake of profits, has weakened the world.  The current fiscal crisis reveals Capitalism was never the cure for what ails the people on this planet.  Persistent poverty, and the threat of increased insolvency, born out of a free enterprise system is an expense few, if any, can afford.  One need only look at the Capitalism and what it has wrought.  Avaricious individuals may acknowledge one reaps what one sows.  Independently, or collectively, as a global community anyone might come to understand, "If my brother is poor, I/we too will suffer.  Ultimately, I/we will pay for the poverty I/we accept."  

Without such a realization, and inspired by the spirit of an individualism that has flourished amongst free-marketers, people may, as President Obama proclaimed.  Worldwide, or here at home, we "want a return to that sense of dynamism and entrepreneurship that [has] been missing."  However, it is not another glorious "morning in America."  Nor is it a beautiful day in most neighborhoods.  Were the clouds to clear, globally people might avow, authentically, there need be an actual new dawn.  It is time to dream of economic structures that have never been.

The majorities in the States, and throughout the globe, are no longer silent.  Common folks have spoken.  Capitalism is broken.  It is not wanted, dead or alive.

Sources for economic and empathetic structures . . . 

• Is Capitalism Dead?  No. By William Galston.  National Public Radio. March 11, 2009
• Is Capitalism Dead?  Maybe. By J.D. Foster.  National Public Radio. March 11, 2009
• Is Capitalism Dead?  Yes. By Alan Reynolds.  National Public Radio. March 11, 2009
• I See What You Mean, It Is Broken, By Mark Thoma.  Economist View.  January 24, 2008
• 'The World As We Know It Is Going Down', By Marc Pitzke.  Spiegel International. September 18, 2008
• Systemic Failure: Capitalism "Lays An Egg," By Stephen Lendman.  SteveLendmanBlog. March 2, 2009
• Capitalism Under Fire, By William Pfaff.  The International Herald Tribune. 30 March 2006
• Is Capitalism Dead?  The Washington Post. October 20, 2008
• Recession Pain, Even in Palm Beach, By David Segal.  The New York Times. April 12, 2009
• Blair: Global economic fallout is nation's major threat.  Cable News Network. February 12, 2009
• The Social Responsibility of Business is to Increase its Profits, By Milton Friedman.  The New York Times Magazine. September 13, 1970.  Copyright @ 1970 by The New York Times Company.
• Colorado bank biggest US bank failure of 2009.  AFP. April 10, 2009
• Slump Humbling Blue-Chip Stocks, By Mark Healy.  The New York Times March 6, 2009
• U.S. foreclosure filings rise in February, By Lynn Adler.  Reuters. March 12, 2009
• In Defense of Income Inequality, By Peter Schwatrz.  Capitalism Magazine. March 28, 2009
• Congressional Finance Chair Discusses U.S. Economy. NewsHour.  September 3, 2007
• Disowned by the Ownership Society, By Naomi Klein.  The Nation. January 31, 2008
• The End Of American Capitalism? By Anthony Faiola.  The Washington Post.  October 9, 2008
• The G-20 and the Future of Capitalism - Part I,  By Jeffrey E. Garten.  Yale Global. March 30, 2009
• President Obama's News Conference; Transcript.  The New York Times. March 24, 2009
• Century of Self.
• Story of Stuff.  By Annie Leonard.  The Sustainability Funders and Tides Foundation.
• Address by Governor Ronald Reagan, Installation of President Robert Hill, Chico State College. May 20, 1967
• What Ever Happened to Free Enterprise, By Ronald Reagan.  Ludwig Von Mises Memorial Lecture at Hillsdale College.  November 10, 1977
• 12-Year-Old Protester: 'Death of Capitalism.' By F. Brinley Bruton.  MSNBC News. April 1, 2009
• Capitalism Under Fire, By William Pfaff.  The International Herald Tribune. 30 March 2006
• Global Capitalism,  Can it be made to work better?  By Pete Engardio with Catherine Belton.  Business Week. November 6, 2000
• Obama's G-20 confession: "I take responsibility." By Marc Hujer, Wolfgang Reuter, and Christoph Schwennicke.  Salon. April 7, 2009
• Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama Weekly Address, The White House. Saturday, April 4, 2009
• Globalization: A Reference Handbook, By Justin Ervin, Zachary A. Smith.  2008
• Capiatlism at bay, What went wrong and, rather more importantly for the future, what did not.  The Economist. October 16, 2008
• "Good Capitalism, (and) Bad Capitalism," By David Wessel.  Wall Street Journal.  Economist's View. May 10, 2007
• Drinking water costs lots of dollars.  MarketPlace. March 17, 2009
• Analysis: Obama takes 'morning in America' mantle.  Cable News Network.  February 25, 2009
• A Different Sort of Red America, By Tobin Harshaw.  The New York Times. April 10, 2009

Sex and the Super Bowl

copyright © 2009 Betsy L. Angert.  BeThink.org Citizens in the United States are complicated, complex, and mostly they act in ways that are contrary to what they profess to believe in.  No matter a person's race, religion, or creed, people point to what they think right.  Then, especially on Super Bowl Sunday they engage in all, that were someone else to do the same, they would say, that is wrong.   Indeed, on the Monday through Saturday, before the final event the sanctity of sex, only after marriage, is subject to interpretation.  Voyeurism is at times defined as an involuntary response.  Adultery is but a betrayal advocated as merely a reason for divorce.  The deed doers surmise the divine, will understand.  Humans are flawed.  They are frail when faced with animal lust.  When stimulated, an uncontrollable desire for sex seethes from every pore.  Even the threat of a police sweep cannot assuage the palpable passion.

While people may profess puritanical principles, those our forefathers inscribed on parchment, today, as the Super Bowl looms large in our collective consciousness, the American public concludes, they cannot adhere to such strict ethical standards.  

Admittedly, these beliefs have shaped our laws and sustained a stable society.  Americans, we, the people, wish to maintain the moral codes.  People say they are proud and proper, except when they are not.  The pious and non-believers, each, trust that they practice as they preach, or at least on Sundays.  Super Bowl Sunday may the only day on which all bets are off, or on.

Some do not seek corporal satisfactions.  Instead, in anticipation of the game, citizens count the possible ways they might come by extra cash.  Some bet on which team will win, what songs might be sung, or whether the game will go into overtime.  Super Bowl gambling pools are as American as apple pie.  

The masses gamble on the fact that society will not judge them as they might judge others who do as they will do.  ESPN Writer, Jeff Merron, may have said it best as he mused, Sex goes to the Super Bowl.  Forthrightly, Mister Merron spoke of what few will. 

Some people say the Super Bowl is all about money.  Others say it's all about power.  For many, it's all about advertising.  A few die-hards insist football's the important thing.

But most of us know that it's really (like everything else) about sex.  There are the parties leading up to the game.  The groupies.  The cheerleaders.  A few hot commercials during the broadcast.  Halftime quickies, for some big spenders in the corporate boxes.

We could go deeper (pardon the pun), into the realm of academic theory . . . Enough of that.  Let's get to the Super Bowl sex lore.

In the beginning, ancestral wisdom was welcome.  Quotes from our forbearers, the colonist trusted, would not lead us astray.  Words of acumen avowed that then, we were a country united in faith.  The new world was young when, on June 21, 1776, John Adams, a future President, penned a letterto his cousin Zabdiel Adams.  In the epistle, he proclaimed, "[I]t is religion and morality alone which can establish the principles upon which freedom can securely stand.  The only foundation of a free constitution is pure virtue."  

Ample evidence establishes the essential value of religion in this nation.  Yet, as we aged, some would say we have forgotten our ways.  It is written, in the Daily Resource for Entrepreneurs, the canon that best describes America today.  Sex Sells More  [Now] Than Ever.

Yet, the Protestant ethic of earlier generations remains strong.  Many believe America is a Christian nation.  Others argue it is not.  That debate aside, perhaps the people in this country may acknowledge that the country is as its citizens are conflicted.  Residents of this great land are ready to act in ways they claim are repugnant.

Hence, while sex sells it does so behind the scenes.  Sales are hidden from view, just as the women who might stimulate a sexual thought are.  Super Bowl spectators in 2004 might recall the first time and what seems to be the last occasion, a female performer appeared on the field for halftime festivities.  

On that infamous day, a bit of bare breast was exposed broadly.  What was difficult to see from the bleachers, and only visible for but a second live, and in person, was the source of much sexual stimulation for those with an imagination.  Fines were slapped on broadcasters, later rescinded, and then, to ensure that all of America understood the seriousness of the situation, the case, in November 2008, was taken to the Supreme Court of the United States for "appropriate" review.  

While it may seem that the action, gyrating genitals, bouncing "t and a" are in or barred from the Bowl, what really rotates the pelvis is found on the streets of whatever city hosts the event.  This year, the exploits are held in Tampa Bay, Florida.

Throughout the week before the main event, people prepare for climatic celebrations.  Excitement is high, as are the prospects for an erection.  TheRoad to Super Bowl XLIII is flanked by 43 strip clubs.  In "The Big Guava," as the city is sometimes called ,  there is Lip Stixx, Centerfolds and the Bliss Cabaret.  Down the street a visitors, or a resident can enter Diamond Dolls and Bare Assets.  The Wild Gentlemen's Club is quite the haunt.  Indeed, there are 43 erotic dance emporiums in the Tampa metropolitan area. 

(O)ne for each Super Bowl.  And the week of Super Bowl XLIII is to Tampa's naughty nightlife what Black Friday is to America's shopping malls.

All the exotic dancing joints have earned Tampa a bawdy reputation _ the lads' magazine, Maxim, even put it on its top 10 list of best U.S. party cities a couple years ago, based mostly on the two score and more night spots to see naked or nearly naked women.

Bare bottom babes, oh my.  What might the forefathers think or say.  Surely, John Adams, often regarded as the most influential of the founding fathers, would offer his words of woe.  "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.  It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other."  He may then adjoin "We have no government armed with power capable of contending with passions unbridled by morality and religion."  Each might explain why the police force in Tampa Bay proposed as they did.  

Tampa Bay spokeswoman Andrea Davis said officers will not patrol the clubs.  Law enforcement will not look for dancers who get too close to patrons.  Ms Davis affirmed in 2001, when the city last hosted the games, no reports were filed.  She  then offered; officers are obliged to investigate if someone complains, few customers are likely to protest when a performer leans in and snuggles in those special ways.

Participants at The Adult Entertainment Expo, 2008, might best explain why in a nation so pious, the police will hear few if any objections to the pleasure found in the wondrous world of titillation.  What is hidden behind walls, is not thought to be a thorny issue. 

(T)world's largest sex industry trade show, attracts as many as 30,000 visitors and more than 400 registered exhibitors every year, including a growing number of small-business owners, organizers say.

"There's an extremely supportive environment out there  . . ." says Suki Dunham, the 39-year-old co-owner of OhMiBod, a Greenland, N.H.-based vibrator company she and her husband launched in 2006.  Dunham, a former marketer at Apple, used [the 2008] event to unveil a new line of Naughtinanos, an iPhone-compatible device that vibrates in sync with a caller's voice.

  
Officers will have their hands full with what is in full view, as could be expected in a country where citizens claim to honor a code of ethical standards and then gravitate to the will of their genitals.  Even still, Tampa Bay locals, and lawmakers, true Americans, tired of the city's sleazy reputation wish to maintain a modicum of decorum.  

However, no matter how hard "The Big Guava" residents work to clean up the street, regardless of the reprimands, there seems to be no way to control the flow of dollars in the sex trade or the lack of sense that is all too rampant in this "ethical" nation.  The second President understood that the government was powerless.  He had hoped the people might self-regulate.  "Religion & virtue are the only foundations, not only of republicanism and of all free government, but of social felicity under all governments and in all the combinations of human society." 
President Adams asserted; "Statesmen, my dear sir, may plan and speculate for liberty, but it is religion and morality alone, which can establish the principles upon which freedom can securely stand."

Perchance that explains why in a nation as virtuous as the United States, the sex toy market, in the United States, which, "excludes the pornography industry, accounts for up to $2 billion in total adult industry sales every year."

Toys, thankfully, are the treasures that allow for the appearance of civility  Americans do not worry of what remains hidden from view.  What hinders the image of a healthy righteous America, is what comes out from the clubs and onto the streets, the week the Super Bowl is in town.

Prostitution is the problem, or a commercial that promotes a vegetarian diet.  

Law officers have come to expect that they cannot control for human vices, even in a country so safe from sin and saintly as the United States is.  

In this country, we claim to be guided by G-d.  Devout citizens describe the homeland as Fisher Ames, of the Federalist Party did in an oration on the Sublime Virtues of General George Washington.  In 1800, the political leader stated, "Our liberty depends on our education, our laws, and habits . . . it is founded on morals and religion, whose authority reigns in the heart, and on the influence all these produce on public opinion before that opinion governs rulers."

Perhaps, that is the paradigm.  In the United States, morals and religion do not reign on the heart; however, these do produce public opinion.  Until the opinion that governs the spirit is identical the one that governs rulers, Super Bowl Sunday will be as Mondays through Saturdays are normally, seconds, minutes, hours, day, months, and years of American hypocrisy.

References, religion, and realities . . . 

• Super Bowl Sunday.  MSNBC. February 1, 2009
• Tampa Police Launch Sex Crime Sweep. By Warren Elly.  Fox News 13.  Tampa. January 26, 2009
• Super Bowl LXIII: Game On.  Associated Press.  My Fox LA. February 1, 2009
• Bet on Super Bowl Halftime Songs, Overtime, By Joe Saumarez-Smith.  Bloomberg. January 30, 2009
• Super Bowl gambling pools as American as apple pie. By Tim Grace.  Enterprise. January 2009
• Sex goes to the Super Bowl, By Jeff Merron.  ESPN. January 2009
• Is America a Christian Nation>  By Carl Pearlston.  Catholic Education Resource.  2001
• FCC, DOJ Appeal Janet Jackson To Supreme Court, By John Eggerton.  Broadcasting & Cable. November 21, 2008
• Debating America's Christian Character, By Barbara Bradley Hagerty.  Morning Edition. May 5, 2005
• Why Sex Sells More Than Ever, By Angus Loten.  Inc.  The Daily Resource for Entrepreneurs. January 2008
• Road to Super Bowl XLIII flanked by 43 strip clubs. By Mitch Stacy.  KOB TV.  Associated Press. January 26, 2009
• Super Bowl Crackdown: Tampa Police Targeting Prostitutes. By Josh Poltilove.  The Tampa Tribune. January 26, 2009
• PETA Veggie Love Commercial Banned from Superbowl XLIII.  YouTube. January 29, 2009

Dalliance Defined

copyright © 2008 Betsy L. Angert. BeThink.org

For me, it all began near a week ago. There was no word of it on the Nightly News. Nightline offered no interviews. Articles did not appear in popular, or prized periodicals. Even the National Enquirer had no exclusive accounts. Bloggers did mot blast me with rumors of what might have been. The story, while sensational, did warrant banner headlines. After all, neither person was as widely known as former Presidential aspirant John Edwards is. The woman may or may not have had a history that would titillate many a reader. I know not whether this thirty or forty-ish female was the mother of what the media would wish to label a "love child." I feel certain that her name is not Rielle Hunter or Lisa Druck. She is not the fictional character, Alison Poole. She was but a real person looking for love, as was he, in a parking lot.

I am not sure whether this is the first time, I have seen this particular pair. Often, over many years, before or after my daily swim in a public pool, I gaze upon a couple of cars positioned far on the fringe of the city acreage. The automobiles are not always the ones I saw days earlier. However, the coupes are consistently stationed at the farthest edge of the property. Each vehicle is expensive, a late model sedan, sports car, chassis, or coach, and always, the two will occupy spaces adjacent to the other. This time, the cars were identifiable; perhaps because, I was closer to the area reserved for lovers.

On this hot summer day, when I initially arrived at the commons, I sought shade for the "Silver Sweetness," or what others might think of as my vehicle. My swim is long. I thought it would be nice if my metal friend could be to be cool and comfortable as I stroked through the water. After, my dip in the pool, I returned to the parking lot. It was time to travel back home. As I approached my automobile, and saw the man and woman outside what, in that moment I thought might be their respective automobiles, I could not help but think they did not desire as I had. Noticeably, the pair had other priorities.

Unlike on other occasions over the many years, when cars were tightly closed as they sat alone on the edge of the lot, on this day no single car steamed from within. The windows in each of the two ostensibly joined vehicles were dry and clear. On this day, I observed the automobiles parked in "the spot" did not appear to be unoccupied for hours. Instead of the usual sight, cryptic cars, I witnessed people "in love."

They couple cooed, and warmly chortled in a public parking lot. The duet may have defined dalliance. The two whose cars sat empty, embraced as they leaned up against the side of what I later learned was the fellow's top-of-the-line BMW. Bavarian Motor Works can craft quite a coupe and this chap, apparently, had crafted quite a practice, medical I assume as I considered his attire. I think the automobile may have been an M6 convertible. If it was a lower priced model, the vehicle was certainly not near the bottom of the product-line. The sleek, streamline steel blue frame and navy canvas top were truly fine, speaking as one, who, as a child was a connoisseur of cars.

The gent, who wore hospital scrubs, and the woman, well-coiffed, in her casual and professionally tailored clothing, wanted more of their moment than I did of mine. I craved only protection from a blistering sun, for my metal companion. I sought a place to park and a swim, nothing more. It seemed my desires were far less significant than those of the twosome.

Bodily thirst and secrecy appeared to be their priority; at least that is what I surmised. Dalliance, in that moment was delicious. I could think of no other reason for two, so completely entangled, to escape the sanctity of home, or office and meet in a parking lot.

They had not come to swim. Bathing suits were not worn or stored in bags visible at their side. The two did not stroll. Nor did they travel away from the automobiles intent that they might swing rackets in the nearby tennis court. As I walked to the Silver Sweetness, and tried not to watch, I realized I was distracted, less so with their "actions" than my reaction.

I wondered; was this encounter a celebration of love. When people experience each other fully, hugs and kisses can be quite delightful. Was this one of these special, spontaneous, moments? It did not seem as such.

The flirtatious energy did not suggest that the two were formally intertwined forever. The playfulness did not express itself as familiarity frequently does; or at least what I witnessed was not as my experience when in a solid, secure, stable, and serene relationship. I felt a sense of ambiguity, awkwardness, or anxiety in the motions of this man and woman. Perchance, I interpreted what I saw incorrectly. I am willing to be wrong and admittedly, frequently, what I assume is in error.

Hence, I was haunted by the questions I felt a need to ask, but knew I could not. Were the two married or even emotionally, intimately involved? Perchance. Was this a tryst, an affair, an adventure, or excitement for those who yearned for exuberant enthusiasm in at least one avenue of life? I knew not, and did not dwell on what might be for either of these individuals. What I observed reminded me of times when I was infatuated, involved, or otherwise engaged.

The chestnut-haired woman smiled ever so broadly. She gazed into his eyes longingly, and held on to his body tightly. The long and lean man looked at the voluptuous frame of his female friend and visibly responded to her buxom body. The fellow looked into her face. Yet, he appeared to focus more on what he felt. He cupped her buttocks in his hands. Even from a distance, I could see his eyes darted to and from her ample bosom. The two laughed as they caressed each other's bulk.

As minutes passed, and I came closer, I pondered. Why would a couple comfortable in their relationship come to a public park only to stand together, smile, and smack lips, or rumps? I could think of no reason for such an adventure. Nonetheless, I acknowledge the truth of the adage, 'Different strokes for different folks.' I trust I cannot quarrel with what entertains another.

I looked away content in the knowledge that I could never know what is real for this couple or any persons. We are all so unique. I struggle to grasp what is within me, let alone presume to know what might be true for these two.

I continued on to my car. I chose to enjoy the day and my own doings, just as this duo did. Soon after, I had the sense the "friends," or "lovers" saw me. I felt four eyes upon me. I tried not to notice their glare. Yet, I recognized the energy had changed.

The mirth melted. The time for enchantment faded. The satisfaction expressed in smiles and soft giggles fell into silence. I had not meant to disturb them. Perhaps, their now evident need to dash had nothing to do with me. The time for afternoon-delights may have naturally come to an end. I know not. I was only certain I did not wish to intrude or be the cause of an abrupt closure.

I entered the Silver Sweetness and started the engine. I hoped that my anticipated exit might settle the minds of the two who now seemed hurried. As I placed the car [oh, how I hate to use that word when I describe the metal baby that has been so good to me] in gear, I looked out the windshield and saw that my move to leave had not eased the minds of this duet.

I reminded myself, what they do is not my choice. I cannot please, appease, affect, or alter individuals that I do not communicate with. I must accept that their actions are separate from me, although I felt a need to apologize. I did not wish to disturb. I could not say "I am sorry." That would have been more odd than any engagement they or I imagined.

Nonetheless. Through the corner of my eye, I observed the woman quickly slip into her Lexus roadster. Once snug in the single front seat of her pearl white luxury automobile, she placed the vehicle in gear and backed out. She drove a few feet to where her beau stood, and thoughtfully spoke a swift good-bye. Then, she sped off.

I decided not to follow her lead, and left more slowly. I did not wish to travel too near or flee too soon. I felt a strange need to give the woman her space. I placed a bottle of water to my mouth, and drank a bit. After, I departed. As I drove away, I wondered would the fellow follow.

The road from the community park to the main avenue is a long one. It may be half a mile long. As I turned onto the back boulevard, I saw the pearl-white Lexus coupe was long gone. Far off into the distance, I saw the woman was about to enter the main street. The chap never appeared in my rear-view mirror. Only thoughts of what had occurred were visible.

I thought of the times in my life when I was immersed in infatuation. Thoughts of another could fill an entire day, weeks, months and even years. I recall how I might do what I did not desire or delay more meaningful activities. More than once, in retrospect, I pondered what might have been if my head and heart were one.

How many hours had I wasted as I sought love and settled for lust? As I journeyed home, my mind was filled with the folly of intimacy and how often, when in a whirlwind relationship, people to do not really relate. They take no time to meditate. Most couples barely deliberate. Sincere discussions can be a distraction when individuals just want to do it!

Often, I realize depth in a love liaison is void. Conversation can be vacuous. Veracity is too often vacant. The vigor and vitality felt is vast, more so than any authenticity. What passes for passion is frequently fantasy. The illusion is fantastic, and the involvement is just for fun.

I think of what I have heard from men and women alike when they speak of past loves, or even those they bed in the present. So often, in retrospect, a man once intent on an adventure such as I observed, will muse.

"When she wasn't out at nightclubs, she was taking acting classes. We dated for only a few months, but in that period, I spent a lot of time with her and her friends, whose behavior intrigued and appalled me to such an extent that I ended up basing a novel on the experience," [he] recalled.

Indeed, only today a chap I am acquainted with described the woman he once hugged, kissed, and met away from the office, or his home as "an ostensibly jaded, cocaine-addled, sexually voracious 20 [30-40-50 . . .] year-old." As he spoke, I wondered of his former female friend. I wondered; what might this lovely lady have said of him? Would she say of the man who stood before me, "He is a cute and conservative chap whose . . .

idea of wild is argyle socks. [The once wondrous woman could also soundly state] But it's okay, I like straight guys, I'd never go out with anybody who's as irresponsible as me. Most of the guys I know have really high-powered jobs and make up for lost time when they're not in the office. The Beserk After Work Club. I seem to attract them in a big way, all these boys in Paul Stuart suits with six-figure salaries and hellfire on a dimmer switch in their eyes."

Perhaps, the inamorata, who many would define as traditional, a conventional sort might conclude when with friends she trusts, "Men. I've never met any. They're all boys. I wish I didn't want them so much . . . I hate being alone, but when I wake up in some guy's bed . . . and he's snoring like a garbage truck, I go - let me out of here."

Each of us can only imagine of others, and consider our own truths. What motivates us, moves us, and what is in the minds of those of us whose story does not appear on the Nightly News. When we dash towards and dither in a relationship that takes more time than it might be worth, what are our thoughts.

My own experience tells me, in each of my close encounters, I avoided, as much, if not more than I approached. Sex was perhaps easier than a cherished connection. In serious conversations with many, I have discovered my interactions and I are not as rare as people may wish to propend. Dalliance is not quite the dream we would wish it to be.

A gent is often more comfortable with a sweetie he can spoon, than one who he might wish to wed. Gals may prefer to engage with men they rather not marry. For some the excitement entices; for others convenience is cool. A few express concern they cannot find the one and only. These individuals sing, "If you cannot be with the one you love, love the one you are with."

No matter what those of us who do not make the news say or do, I suspect each of us can wonder; what might an observer say of our escapades, our affairs, the excursions we make to the park, the hotel room, or any of the other out of the way places we go. Our exploits are yet to be exploited. Might we inquire, could we take the scrutiny we often impose upon others. I know I could not. In truth, as I observed the couple in my community, I could think only of me. What had my "love" life been and why?

The Power of Passion Perused . . .

Edwards admits to extramarital affair, Associated Press. MSNBC News. August 9, 2008

Edwards Admits Sexual Affair; Lied as Presidential Candidate, In an ABC News Nightline Interview, Edwards Reveals He Cheated, But Didn't Father Child. By Rhonda Schwartz, Brian Ross, and Chris Francescani. ABC News. August 8, 2008

John Edwards Admits Affair. National enquirer. August 8, 2008

Edwards' Mistress Rielle Hunter the Model for Character in Gen-X Lit, Jake Tapper. ABC News. August 9, 2008

Novel Tale of Pol's Mistress. New York Post. August 6, 2008

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on August 11, 2008 at 01:00 PM in Approval or Love, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Compassion, Conflict, Complex, Emotional Decisions, Emotional Intelligence, Looking at Life, Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Lesson; All Beings Are a Beautiful Bundle of Love

copyright © 2008 Betsy L. Angert. BeThink.org

The day was delightful. The water was superb. The sun was full and bright. A few billowy, puffy clouds floated through the sky. They were white, cumulus, fluffy fellows, the type that excite many a child as they gaze into the heavens. In parks, on lawns, little ones were likely looking up and pointing. "Look," they might say, "It is a horse, a donkey, or perchance a unicorn." It was a day for whimsy. The children, playful in the pool, barely noticed the graceful shapes as they danced above their heads. Instead, they were focused on what they decided were June bugs.

Three young sweet girls stood in the warm water near their Daddy. All were calm, content, and serene. The sisters chatted easily. Father smiled. The youngest lass expressed her curiosity. As her sibling searched for bugs on the plastic rope line, the "baby" in the family asked of the insects. "Are they icky to touch," the cautious curly haired youngster inquired. The more confident elder sister said, "No! They are cute," she said. See." The "older" child showed the girl of fewer years.

A stranger, in the adjacent lane was preparing to swim. Becky was her name. She was much older than the children, and perhaps no wiser; nonetheless, she share her assessment of the beetle. Becky said of the six-legged lovelies, "They are life; all creatures are beautiful." With that thought, the father beamed, and the older lady plunged head first into the water filled cement reservoir.

Lap after lap and look after look the woman and children enjoyed the quiet of the day. The words the swimmer shared seemed to hang in the air. People came and went, throughout the afternoon, and splendor was all anyone saw.

Then, everything changed. The evolution from tranquil to trauma was slow; nonetheless, unexpected. Those in the recreation park were struck, as if by a bolt of lightening. However, unlike when a storm threatens, swimmers were not forced to leave the pool. The jolt evoked more silence. No one screamed, but the sole boy, victim to the method his Mom's adopted for instruction.

The young mother, a woman, perhaps, in her early thirties, was extremely pleasant in appearance, and it seemed her personality was equally delightful. She, Madison, entered the deck area with her small son in her arms. Skin, beautifully tanned, this well-dress lady strode to the lifeguard tower. The little guy, let us call him, Michael, was not as bronze in color, and was visibly agitated. Michael whimpered, even as his Mom held him close.

Becky, the swimmer who enjoyed the company of the little lasses and their Dad before she began her exercise had just finished the more strenuous part of her routine when the mother and child came into view. Becky, a teacher, enjoyed children, in or outside the classroom. She marveled at the openness of a mind not yet crushed by the weight of worry. The sincerity of a small one was a source of fascination for Becky. Children, early in life, were candid and joyous, at least most were, or appeared to be.

Little Michael, a lad, maybe three, or four, was not a cheerful child. He wore no glee on his face, although his features were cute as could be from what Becky was able to see. When the swimmer first noticed Madison and Michael, they were yards away. They approached the guard tower at the opposite end of the pool and spoke with Brianna, the young adult hired to protect the public in an emergency. Becky thought nothing of the interaction. She was relieved to have only her stretches left to complete. Becky moved the shallow end and commenced with another ritual.

Behind her, a metal chair scraped along the concrete. The sound startled her and she looked up at the area where people sat enjoying the sun. Had Becky waited just a moment she would have known Michael and Madison had moved closer to her. The cries filled the air. The sweet little boy shrieked, "I wanna go see Daddy." Michael howled; "No Mom!!!! No!" His face scrunched tightly, this little lovable fellow yelled, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Please Mom! No!" Michael repeated the words, "I wanna go see Daddy!"

His mother chided him, gently. "We have to do this." Madison did not seem to believe she could quiet her son's fears. An expectation that the little guy might enjoy was void from her voice. The Mom simply worked feverishly, to accomplish the dreaded task. She prepared Michael for his dip in the water, and said, "Let's just get this over with."

Becky continued with her work out and wondered of the circumstances. Perchance, the mother and father were divorced or newly separated. Michael may have expressed the deep distress he felt for a family no longer united. Becky, the daughter of parents who parted understood how stressful such a situation might be. She was eight when . . . her reverie was interrupted.

Madison had abruptly carried Michael to the step at the shallow end of the pool. The Mom now wore a white shirt over her own bathing suit. Sweetly, she smiled and leaned forward. Madison said to Becky, "I do not wish to disturb you. I want to warn you; I am teaching my son to swim and he screams, loudly." As an experienced educator, Becky imagined it would be a mild and momentary shout. As one who swims daily and had for well over a decade, the teacher witnessed many a young child learn to paddle and breathe in water.

Indeed, at this very facility she has observed perhaps hundreds of child learn to master their strokes. The excellent swim teachers, parents and paid professionals, helped calm many a neophyte nerve. Often Becky watched with admiration as patient Moms, Dads, and lifeguards helped little ones wade through the water. It was as she shared with the girls earlier in the day, "They, people and insects, are life. All creatures are beautiful."

What Becky witnessed next was not beautiful; it was brutal! Madison held Michaels arms tightly. She forced him into the water. The Mom insisted the boy's head remain face down immersed until she pulled him up. Apparently, they had practiced this cycle before. Becky now understood why Michael cringed and cried out long before he was ever near the expansive liquid sea.

Initially, the trained instructor was paralyzed. Becky could not imagine that a mother might torment her child. The volume of Michaels screams increased. His little arms flailed. "Mom, No! Pleassssssssse!" The emotional agony he felt was palpable. Mom did not stop as he pleaded. The pain on his face did not move Madison to succumb. His words, his anguish, nothing stopped this mother on her quest. For Becky, what must have been a minute or less seemed like hours, years, decades. She thought of sweet obedient Michael. While he shed many a tear and shrieked when he could gasp for air, the little love did as he was told or required to do. He dropped his head into the pool on demand.

Off into the distance, in the parking lot, just outside the fence, Becky noticed a late model shiny black vehicle. The man at the wheel peered in. His car was not situated in a space meant for stopping. This fellow seemed interested in the antics of Madison and Michael. Becky mused; possibly the sound of suffering haunted him as it did her. She could not stand by a moment longer.

With an earnest concern, Becky expressed her empathy for the child. She inquired; "Is he frightened.." The mother responded, "He can swim." Becky queried aloud, had the mother sought other means for instruction. Perchance, if Michael were given the opportunity to slowly adjust to the water. If he were allowed to breathe easily as he slowly learned to stoke . . . Becky's words were cut off. Still somewhat genteel and reserved, Madison explained, "This is what his teacher taught me to do." "She is excellent. Everyone goes to her. They call her the swim Nazi."

The practiced swimmer, and professional educator, shared her own expertise. Becky told of a time when she worked with another teacher who was extremely punitive. This castigatory colleague was an award winner. Some children loved her, parents too. Students taught Becky what she had not known; if you are raised in a family where cruelty is common, you learn to believe that rough treatment is love. Violence is fondness when a family is familiar with vicious behavior.

Becky spoke of a man she loves. He was introduced to swimming in much the way Michael was guided. This man loathes his parents. As an adult, he says of himself, he is really messed up. For the man Becky cares for, trust is not an option. The lesson he learned at the hands of his mother, who taught him how to swim, just as Madison now advised Michael, is that people will hurt you.

In this very short and quick conversation Becky, recalled her own memories, and how she has vivid recollections of events in that occurred in her life when she was younger than Michael. Becky looked over at Michael's face. The torment was already etched into his skin. The screeches scarred him.

Madison listened, maybe. She was polite. The Mom never let go of her cherished son, Michael. The activity did not stop. Nor did the blood curdling screams. The echoes of pain continued to pierce the air, and break delicate decorum.

People within the recreation center while startled, they stood still or pretended to ignore what escaped no one. Only Becky articulated her concern. Madison expressed her interest; more so once she realized Becky is an educator. However, without a moment of hesitation, or a break from or for Michael, she offered a retort. "I will speak with the teacher." Becky again offered, the teacher does what she thinks is best. Perhaps, she, just as the pupils Becky spoke of, had parents who were as aggressive as she was.

Those who admire the techniques the Nazi swim teacher endorses may also be intimately acquainted with instruction through intimidation. "In my family no one yells," Becky said. Madison responded; the same was true in her life. She and her husband do not scream.

Michael continues to squeal. "Mom, Please, No!" He thrashes. He grabs for her mother. Michael reaches for Madison's shirt and slaps her body and face. The Mom had mentioned she wore the blouse just for this purpose. Michael grabbed at the swim instructor, just as prescribed, and when with her, Michael clawed for Madison's clothing.

His moves do not seem to suggest an intention to hurt the mother Michael loves. From appearances, the boy only hopes to find a source of solace. He wants to hold on to someone, anyone. His words seem to express a desire that his Mom will save him from her. The child cries out again and again. He flaps; he flounders. Little lovable Michael thrashes and struggles. Madison was not discouraged.

Still alert and attentive to her purpose, Madison proclaims, "The swim teacher has them trained within a week." Once more, she says, "Everyone goes to her." She may have sensed or seen Becky's alarm. Apprehensive, the mother said, "I will speak to my husband. He is in the car."

Becky realized the man who she had observed earlier might have studied the pair with an interest that could not be described. Possibly, what the father felt was beyond words. Becky knew that emotionally, this event tugged at her heartstrings. She wondered; did the Dad wait for he too could not endure the misery inflicted on his son. How could a mother be so cruel? How could anyone treat a child with such contempt? Why were words of compassion and caution not enough to stop the abuse? Was Becky alone in her anguish?

She exited the pool area, entered the locker room. Then she scrubbed herself in the shower. All the while Becky heard the howls and the hollers. This small sorrowful soul did not rant or rage against his Mom. He only called out for help. Each shout sliced the air and sent chills up Becky's spine. She could hardly contain her own tears.

Becky left the building and again approached Madison, whose energy and purpose had not waned. The worried woman spoke, "If I could I would like to inquire; would it not be better if Michael loved his lessons (and the person who teaches him)?" Did she share the latter thought? She was so troubled, she did not know what she said. Had she asked if it was necessary to master the skill in a week? Madison ignored Becky. She was done with this exchange. She said to Michael, "Just a few more minutes."

Defeated, Becky left the deck. She walked to the office where the guards stood in alert. The group discussed what left each of them distraught. A resigned Brianna verbalized her belief, "There is nothing we can do or say." Shocked to discover Becky spoke to the woman, Brianna began to ask of what was said. Then she realized Madison, with a drained and strained Michael in her arms, was near. She let out a sound that signaled the need for silence.

The mother and her madness quickly fled the premises. After a short discussion with the guards, Becky thanked them for listening to her fears and followed the path from the pool to the parking lot. Apparently, the couple and their child were settling into the coupe. The father glanced over as he saw Becky near the vehicle. Nothing was said. For Becky, there were no words.

She pondered. Was Becky the person now considered a predator? Had Madison grumbled to her husband as she shared details of the encounter? Exhausted and uncertain of the empathy she had supposed all beings had for others, Becky went to her car. She could not drive away, although she saw the family did. The lover of living beings, of children, could not fully understand what existed only for moments in her own life. She was haunted by the hurt she saw in Michael's face and heard in his calls.

Stunned and shaken Becky sat trembling for a very long time. She wailed; she wept. Had she just let a sweet child fend for himself in a world too awful to survive?

Hours passed and Becky imagines, in her life, Michael, and the impression he made on her would never move on. Sadly, she fears, what for her was but minutes, for Michael, will be life.

Becky had mentioned to Madison, or hoped she had, the effect of trauma. To this day, the older educator recounts the stresses that transformed her being. The lessons, what her Mom, Dad, and mentors did supposedly for her benefit, if not facilitated fondly, harmed her deeply. Cognizant that children absorb all they encounter and are affected by every exchange, Becky contemplates the drama Michael endured.

In a desire to calm her self, Becky, an educator who loves to learn, sought answers. She had so many questions, so many concerns. As a teacher, never labeled a dictatorial tyrant, she had much trepidation. What had Madison taught Michael? Was he expected to sink or swim? As she read, her angst increased. What would become of Michael?

How Do You Recognize a Patient (or Person) with Trauma if it is Not Always Obvious?
Different people respond differently to traumatic events. Some people will carry it around in ways that everybody can see that they've been impacted. But most people actually will go through a traumatic experience and won't have any easily visible or obvious manifestation of that. The problems may emerge many months or sometimes even years after the original event. So it's very important for people who are trying to understand trauma to become aware of the various ways in which traumatic symptoms can manifest, the various ways in which trauma can be carried forward by children and adults, and the pervasive impact that trauma has independent of the way someone is observed to perform.

How Do Relationships Affect the Way the Brain Develops?
Human beings are at our core, relational creatures. We are designed to live, work, play, and grow in groups. The very nature of humanity arises from relationships. You learn language, you learn social language, you learn appropriate emotional regulation, and essentially everything that's important about life as a human being you learn in context of relationships. And the very substance of a successful individual is bathed in a whole host of relationships with people in that person's life . . .

Can You Continue with the Relationships and How it Affects the Brain
When you look at someone, when you hear someone, when you have a conversation, when you make a joke with somebody, when you touch someone, every single one of those physical interactions are translated into patterned neuronal activity that go into the brain of both people in that interaction and result in positive changes. These physical changes influence our immune system and they influence the autonomic nervous system that controls your heart and your lungs and your gut. Literally, when people have a wealth of relationships, where relationships are present in high quantities and they're of good quality, these individuals are actually physically healthier, they're emotionally healthier, they're more cognitively enriched, and they actually reach their potential to be humane in ways that are impossible without relationships.

It's a very interesting thing that people don't really appreciate this very much, but that there's no better biological interaction that you can have than a relationship.

Yes, all beings are but a beautiful bundle of love. Yet, rarely do humans honor that veracity. So few people understand the depth of each interaction. Too frequently, individuals do what was done to them, or what they think they can. Societal standards, customs, traditions, the lessons taught by authoritarian teachers shape them. People learn. Yet, they may not have studied the ultimate lesson. We are each a lovely and fragile beings. We grow well when hearts, minds, bodies, and souls are tenderly touched.

"Michael, I am soooooooo sorry," Becky mused. What of the relationship she had with Michael, or for that matter, with all beings. What affect did her actions or inactions have. Becky though of how all that occurred developed, and how Michael might grow. "If only I had done more, been more, were a better teacher to your Mom, or had offered to help you learn to swim." Becky, heart heavy with regret promised herself, if she were to meet this family again, she would . . . in truth, she did not know what she could or would do. She only hoped that someone would tell her. How does one swim in a world where too many forget, all beings are but a bundle of love.

Sources and Suffering . . .

Trauma, Brain and Relationship: Helping Children Heal, By Bruce Perry, Ph.D. From Neurons to Neighborhoods. 
New Ways to Prevent and Heal Emotional Trauma in Children and Adults. May 2003

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on July 6, 2008 at 09:00 AM in "Take me as I am!", Abuse, Adult Influence on Children, Aggression, Approval or Love, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Change the World [Within], Children, Desire to Learn, Dreams Live and Die , Education, Emotional Decisions, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy and Evolution, Family, Functioning, Fables, Life, A Forward Motion, Looking at Life, Nature or Nurture, Quality of Life, Teach The Children | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Calm Communicators Unite Us. Cruel Commanders Divide Us

copyright © 2008 Betsy L. Angert. BeThink.org

Americans are at odds. As a nation, we are splintered. The parts do not function as a whole. Some wish to control and command. Others prefer to work for the common good. As we stand, we are a country divided.

The most recent Internal Revenue Service data, shows one percent of Americans received twenty-one and two-tenths [21.2] percent of all personal income. In 2005, fifty [50] percent of the people in this nation, those who have long struggled to survive, earned twelve and eight-tenths [12.8] percent of all wages and salaries. In the United States, dollars earned split the population. Wealth is not all that separates us.

Color causes schisms. Citizens live in regions of the country labeled Red, or Blue. Brownish immigrants, with or without papers, are relegated to reside in neighborhoods far from the affluent or influential, even when authentic assimilation is meant to be an option. Frequently Black Americans are housed in communities where opportunities are few. When persons of various hues intermingle with the massive pinkish population, in the United States, the people of color are alienated.

Were Americans do physically unite, they would likely remain segregated. Americans subtly separate themselves from those they loathe, and form the people they love. Few ever consider what they do to create a rift. In America, demeanors, the way in which we communicate, divides us.

In this nation, a large portion of the population is frequently aggressive, abusive, and antagonistic. Those they encounter, the not obnoxious or toxic ones, accommodate, appease, appear unaffected, or remain anxious when in the company of the people who believe the best way to appear authoritative is to dictate what needs to be done, by whom, when, where, and why.

At times, the public is able to openly observe and discuss abuse, but usually, only when it is evident in the extreme. Banner headlines may scream a need to attend to what, for the most part remains hidden. Neglect, Abuse Seen in 90, 000 Infants. However, mostly Americans demonstrate their angst in manners identified as normal. No one speaks of what is standard. Perchance, the reason is, in the States reactive behaviors, which reveal annoyance, are so common as to be customary.

Daily, in periodicals we read of what we would wish to think is not traditional, but may be. The accounts scream to us. Citizens in this country think it outrageous when they realize. In Chicago, youth violence is increasingly prevalent. Twenty-two [22] students were slain in this heartland city so far this year. Our fellow country men remark, 'This sort of thing occurs only among 'those people.' Surely, the rest of us are sane and serene. 'The average American would not strike out in such a manner.' People say, 'Weaponry is for outlaws,' or at least, mechanical arsenals are meant only to combat a political enemy. Those who reside in the United States never imagine that "they" would use a gun in anger, or lash out when with a friend. Few consider how frequently they attack those they say they are fond of.

When words are the weapon of choice, and blood is not spilled, most in this country think no harm is done. War and wounds are what we see on the battlefields, and mostly abroad. In this country, life is calm.

We read of skirmishes elsewhere daily. Americans witness what occurs in the Persian Gulf. Iraqi deaths are on the rise regardless of the Americans attempt to Surge and subvert the violence. Now, that is awful. Thankfully, this nation is not torn apart by war.

Few ponder the fact that these excessive examples illustrate and amplify what is apparent in American homes. People pounce easily and often. We cruelly criticize and intentionally drive a wedge between unions. We conquer; and in America, we destroy.

In this country, enemies are thought to be around every corner. We publicly rant and rage when we refer to people of another race or religion. Privately, many are punitive towards those who reside in our homes. When we look upon those the "commanders" consider beloved, we see differences, and ignore similarities. He is wrong; I am right. She is flawed. "I am perfect." Spite is right. Malice is might. Vindictiveness is used to undermine viciousness. In many American homes, tit for tat is the acceptable.

Those in authority, "Tsk, tsk," the ones who they would wish to weaken. Children are infrequently given information about the consequences of their choices. Calm and complete communication is too often a rarity in our abodes. Rather than work to create cohesive communities within a household, parents and their progeny dictate, and divide.

Adults learn their aggressive manners in childhood. A slight from a toddler's first teachers cuts to the core. Terse comments, a tease, or a taunt directed at a teen does not simply slide off the back of one scarred by a lifetime of verbal slashes. Adults do not deflect digs; some have merely learned how to present the appearance of being unaffected by an oral assault. In truth, "Sticks and stone may break my bones, and names hurt me more than a physical attack might." Many may relate to a common event and decide this is not my business.

As I was leaving gym one morning, I overheard a mother berating her daughter for refusing to put her face in the water during a toddlers' swim class. "You're such a little coward," she told the sobbing child -- who could not have been more than three years old. "It's the same every week. You always make your daddy and me ashamed. Sometimes I can't believe you're really my daughter."

Although my stomach churned with rage on the child's behalf, I said nothing. After all, I rationalized, the mother would just tell me to mind my own business. But I had no doubt that what I had witnessed was in many ways as bad as a brutal beating. It was emotional child abuse.

"The bruises don't show on the outside, so there are no statistics on how many children are victims," says Dr. Elizabeth Watkins, chief of pediatric primary care at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital Center in New York City. "But anyone who works with children knows that the problem is widespread."

University of Minnesota psychologist Byron Egeland, who has conducted extensive studies on parenting and early-childhood development, says the effects of emotional child abuse may be at least as devastating as those of physical abuse. Research conducted by Egeland and his colleagues suggests that emotionally abused children suffer an even greater decline in mental and psychological development as they grow older than do physically abused children.

This abated state does not necessarily translate to an academic deficit. Often times, persons who were beaten down emotionally excel in their physical and intellectual endeavors. Countless adults, who were verbally assaulted as children, believe that the cruelty and callousness they endured, has made them stronger. People in older bodies show no physical blemishes. A mature member of society is not noticeably bruised or disfigured. Most middle-aged grown-ups, those once exposed to such exploitation have learned to hide the scars. Hurt hearts do not inhibit intellectual growth; nor do the effects of verbal and emotional injuries restrict achievements. As a tot, a teen, or an individual in his or her golden years, a person harmed by words can thrive and triumph. The attitude is, "I will show them!" The thought that provokes our success is, "I will do well. Then, they will [finally] love me."

The truth is mean Mom's and dismissive Dad's do love their offspring. They simply do not know how to show it. Too often, we do as was done to us. As adults, we become the people our parents were. While we may have abhorred mother or father's behavior, it is what we know. We grow to be as those who taught us were.

At birth, we learn of what we despise most. In our parents dwelling, as tots, we become acquainted with insults, invectives, and insolence. The invisible barbs are experienced as a barrage of bullets; each pierces the flesh. Mothers mock us. Fathers jeer. Brothers and sisters, bully. In our earliest years, we begin to think of when and how we can leave the company of those who say they treasure us. In time, as children we decide the best defense is a good offense. Hence, we become equally odious, angry, and ambitious. Often adults, who were verbally abused as children, when they speak of their parents, state, "They did the best they could." Indeed, perfectionist parents do what they believe is best, and they expect their progeny to do better.

In ambitious middle-class families, one of the most common forms of emotional abuse is the denigration of any achievement that falls short of perfection, such as when a child is punished for bringing home a B instead of an A. Jeree Pawl, director of the Infant-Parent Program at San Francisco General Hospital, observes that "perfectionist" parents may display irrational expectations.

After a time, Mom and Dad no longer need to express what they expect; children know what is necessary. In fact, a young person will demand more of him or herself than either parent ever did. In our youth, we become self-critical. Our parents likely did not disparage us as well as we demean ourselves. Each day, we improve. We can deliver venom more vigorously than Mom or Dad ever did. Persons, who were the victims of verbal mistreatment in their youth, inflict the same sarcastic and sardonic on them selves as they age.

The use of hurtful declarations becomes a habit. Spoken stabs pull a person down. Those not stated aloud do us in with greater force. The voice within is perhaps more furious than the one separate from self. Our self-assessments are as a cancerous virus. Merciless messages kill. Yet, no one notices the cause or effects of the illness. Too many Americans share the symptoms; hence, the pain is standard.

Parental verbal abuse may wound children's psyches so deeply that the effects remain apparent in young adulthood. Such abuse may wreak psychological havoc greater than that caused by physical abuse.

With an M.B.A. degree under her belt, 24-year-old "Jaime" (not her real name) should have glowing job prospects in Chicago. But she harbors memories that erode her self-confidence and make her bristle with anger—memories of her father shouting at her, during drunken rages, that she was ugly and of little value.
Indeed, verbal abuse during childhood can scar people deeply, a new study suggests. It was headed by Martin Teicher, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Developmental Biopsychiatry Research Program at McLean Hospital, which is affiliated with Harvard Medical School. Results were published in the June American Journal of Psychiatry.

Although the injurious effects of child physical and sexual abuse have been the subject of considerable inquiry, not much attention has been paid to the possibly noxious effects of verbal abuse on children.

People attend to what they see. The battered hearts, the wounded souls are not visible to the eye; although the effects of these are apparent if we wish to see them. Researchers studied and discovered what lies just beneath the surface.

People who were verbally abused had 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety as those who had not been verbally abused and were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime, according to psychology Professor Natalie Sachs-Ericsson, the study's lead author.

"We must try to educate parents about the long-term effects of verbal abuse on their children," Sachs-Ericsson said. "The old saying about sticks and stones was wrong. Names will forever hurt you."

Moms and Dads wield words as weapons daily. An innocent and sweet child may be saddened by what is said to them. Frequently, a lad or a lass, who has come to expect the worse is fretful, frightened, or apprehensive when near those who vocally attack. After a time, a child turned teen, may appear angry, as an adult resigned, acquiescent when with Mom or Dad. Still, the pain seeps out. It spills onto all the injured individual encounters.

The cycle starts subtly. It is all so subterranean. How often is a child told, "You need to take responsibility"? Yet, how frequently does neither guardian seems to accept that they play a part in what occurred in their own lives. After a night on the town, too much food, and an abundance of alcoholic beverages, Dad may bellow, "Stay out of my way today if you know what's good for you." Then, as if to inform his brood, father would offer, "I'm in a bad mood." Daddy does not wish to be liable for his own limitations. Thus, if he was under duress, or hassled, surely, someone else must be to blame.

It is a "me against the world" mentality. Those who command and seek control, the power they did not feel they had in their youth, see themselves as separate from the others. Hence, the great divide.

Mom may be no different from Dad. This sweet, soft-spoken woman, a mother committed to her children often commented, "My life would have been perfect if it were not for you." She would then say, "Get out of my sight; you are a bad boy, a hateful, ungrateful girl." Then, moments later, Mommy would say how much she loved you, or I. Life and love, as a child, and later as an adult can be caustic, chaotic, and troublesome, even if we emerge confidently. Either parent can do the damage. Both can build the barriers that teach one of the brood to be boldly brazen.

Weeks ago, Americans watched an esteemed achiever, a Presidential aspirant, vent wrathful words. The statements made echoed in every American household. On television and radio airwaves we heard, "Shame on you. “It is time you (act in a manner) consistent with your messages in public. That is what I expect from you. (L)et's have a debate about your tactics and your behavior . . ." Only days prior, we, as a nation, were moved by the magnanimous words, "(Y)ou know, no matter what happens in this contest -- and I am honored, I am honored to be here with [the same person who was slammed two days later.] I am absolutely honored." Hours before the homage was delivered in a face-to-face encounter, the self-proclaimed "fighter" raged, she was ready. The person she humiliated after offering a sincere homage was not. Then, in a fit of anger, this eloquent and accomplished adult exclaimed to her audience, "Let's get real."

On an occasion or two, the New York Senator states if she and her adversary worked as one, all dreams would come true. Quickly, Hillary Rodham Clinton reminds us that the same individual who she thinks praiseworthy is incompetent. He cannot command; nor is he qualified. The waling wounded Clinton claims the man who might steal her win is but a "child." She demeans his experience while she exaggerates her own. In a breath, the scared child, now a grown Senator, cries out. The former First Lady, who continues to carry the weight of a world built on pain within her, tells us the man who angers her is eloquent, admirable, and yet, inadequate.

One day this wise woman is passive or polite; then in the next moment she is aggressive and antagonistic. As Hillary Clinton speaks of Uniting the States, creating a cohesive Democratic Party, she works to divide these entities. She loves her country, her challenger, and her community; yet . . .

The push-pull of these love-hate relationships may remind us of what too many of us as children and adults experience in our family homes. In the "United" States, division, derision, declarations that divide a union are natural. Most accept the conventions that have been familiar throughout their lives. Few are disturbed by the divisiveness a Presidential candidate puts forth. Perchance, the American people relate. Might we consider the climate that was the candidate's childhood, her history, and the truth that fashioned her family?

The couple fought. In 1926, Dorothy's father filed for divorce, claiming that his wife had hit him in the face and scratched him on three separate occasions, according to Cook County records. In a March 1927 court hearing, Della Howell's own sister accused her of abusing her husband and abandoning her two daughters.

"She had a violent temper and flew at him in a rage, and would fight him," testified the sister, Frances Czeslawski.

Della Howell did not show up to contest the divorce -- she could not be found by subpoena servers. Dorothy's father was given custody. But, either unwilling or unable to take care of his daughters, he put them on the train to California, where his parents, Edwin Howell Sr. and Emma Howell, had moved a few years previously. . . .

The grandparents were ill-prepared to raise Dorothy and her sister, Isabelle.

Edwin Howell Sr. had emigrated from Wales. He worked as a machinist in an auto plant and as a laborer for the Alhambra street department, according to Alhambra city directories from the time. He mostly left the girls' care to his wife.

Emma Howell was a strict woman who wore black Victorian dresses and discouraged visitors and parties. Once, discovering that Dorothy had gone trick-or-treating on Halloween, she ordered her confined to her room for a year except for school.

"Her grandmother was a severe and arbitrary disciplinarian who berated her constantly, and her grandfather all but ignored her," Clinton wrote. . .

"Once I asked my mother why she went back to Chicago," Clinton wrote in "Living History." The answer? "'I'd hoped so hard that my mother would love me that I had to take the chance and find out,' she told me. 'When she didn't, I had nowhere else to go.'

Too many of us can recall a time when we wanted to be appreciated, admired, accepted by those who brought us into the world, or taught us to be the best we could be. Even when those we care for harm us, we still crave their adoration. A child who feels less than cherished will try harder. Humans will do whatever they believe they must do in hopes that someday, they will be treasured by their first teachers, the people they call family.

Hillary was the best student among her siblings, the one who took her parents' lessons most seriously. . .

Hugh Rodham, unlike many other fathers of his era, raised his daughter to be ambitious. When she brought home straight A's, Rodham would say, "Well, Hillary, that must be an easy school you go to," she [Presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton] wrote. . .

Hugh Rodham took thrift to even greater heights than many survivors of the Depression. If Hillary, Hugh Jr., or Tony left the cap off the toothpaste, he would toss it out the window and send the child to search for it. An allowance was out of the question. "I feed you, don't I?" she remembers him saying.

Clinton speaks of her father admiringly, but . . . no one disputes his gruffness. "He was character building, like our winters in Chicago," Ebeling, Clinton's best friend, said. . . .

He was "highly opinionated, to put it mildly," [Hillary] Clinton wrote. "We all accommodated his pronouncements . . .

Hilary is as many warriors in society are. She expects the electorate to tolerate her brusque, sometimes demeaning, statements, just as she accepted much of what her father said. If the people wish to argue with the aspirant, as occasionally she did with her dear Dad, Clinton thinks that is fine. After all, she is a fighter. She knows how to win. Just as Hugh Rodham did when he felt his children were uncontrollable, the dictatorial, decidedly aggressive decider known as Dad escalated the argument. "You are with me or against me" is a common refrain among those who command cruelly.

Many progeny adapt to parents who can be punitive. After a time, offspring learn, the boundaries that divide them are best when they remain as invisible, just as the wounds on the heart are. Children convince themselves, they are strong. They are in control. As long as they go along to get along all will be well, and it will be, until the next emotional upheaval. Even then, those who scream and demean will be fine, for what they experience is familiar.

I offer a personal anecdote, one that helped me to understand the divide that exists among us in America. There are the "fighters" well-trained to battle, and the peacemakers, those who talk in tones that are more tranquil.

I realized this only in recent years. A time ago, after I had lived on this glorious green Earth for more than three decades I thought I understood people. I experienced much in my lifetime. As a child, I settled in the suburbs, the city, and the country. In my earliest years may family had all the fineries. We were exceptionally wealthy. Then, there was the divorce. My Mommy, new Daddy a sister, and I were extremely poor when I was in Elementary School. Eventually we evolved into Middle Class. I felt as though we were average.

At seventeen years of age, I declared my independence. I left home, lived on my own, and struggled to earn enough money to survive. I inhabited neighborhoods not thought to be safe. My knowledge of life and it's various styles, I believed was expansive.

Then, it occurred. I met a man. Immediately, I knew I loved him. I had never been easily impressed. Romantic relationships were not part of my repertoire. This person, I perceived as beyond special. I admired him, and I intensely appreciated him. This gentleman was brilliant. He was very successful. He smiled ever so warmly. Until . . . suddenly, he yelled. The wrath was intended for me. As Gary excitedly expressed his disgust, his face was flush. His eyes and veins were bulging. This cherished chap was agitated, accusatory, and exceptionally anxious. To this day, I know not why. I have asked. Yet, an explanation was not forthcoming.

As Gary ranted and raged, I stood frozen, as a deer in headlights. I was stunned. In my whole life, no one had ever yelled at me, or so I thought, previous to that day. There was one other occasion.

That narrative aside, as Gary and I stood face to face, as he screamed and shrieked, he articulated the assertion, "You are having a tantrum." I marveled. I am a calm person. As a child, I was just as serene. In my entire life, I did not recall being explosive. As I observed Gary and listened to his words, I was uncertain which aspect of this encounter was more amazing to me, his conduct, or his contention. After, the damn or dam broke, he seemed free of his agitation. I was anxious, although still silent. I knew not what to say or do. What had I witnessed? What did it mean? How did I feel about it?

In time, I did learn as Hillary Clinton, and others whose hearts are hurt by words, do. I could choose to tolerate the brusque and debasing language. I could choose to appease, to please, or to patronize. However, I also understood no matter what I decided to do, there would be consequences. There would always be a chasm between Gary and I. I would never fully feel comfortable, for I did not know what might bring on another brutal belch of bitterness.

I walked on eggshells, and he, with all his hollering, hoped to secure the impression that he walked on water. I came to discover that Gary had been challenged all his life. His parents were the purveyors of agenda after agenda. As a child he had felt as he now teaches others to feel, as though he was and is less than. Gary was told too often, he was not good enough, smart enough; he was wrong. If Gary received an excellent evaluation in class, he too was meet with the remark similar to the ones the New York Senator heard in her youth. "Well, that subject is just too simple." "An "A" grade is not good enough."

Dissect a heart. Dismember a sweet spirit. It is the American way, divide and conquer. In a competitive society, where cruelty is common, most everyone will suffer, so that the few spoiled souls can feel, even if only for a moment, that they have succeeded. Sadly, their triumph is our demise.

Gary, Hillary, and too many we encounter have become so familiar with belligerent behaviors they no longer think there are other ways to work with people.

I was raised in a family where no one yells. To say I am jarred by loud aggressive rants is to understate what I feel. For a time, I team-taught with an instructor deemed superior. This person won District-wide awards. I understood why when I assessed the curriculum this teacher originated. Yet, this individual chastised students vociferously and with ample abandon. When in a rage, this educator's voice traveled throughout the building. I literally jumped in fright on more than one occasion.

Even without the volume, this teacher's words could cut like a knife. When the venom was directed at me, I froze. I am extremely sensitive to the lexis. The phrases this instructor used were not part of my reality. Our philosophies on life were disparate. Yet, I truly enjoyed this individual when the conversation was amiable. When jovial, the professor was a delight. Indeed, this person often was happy and genuinely fun.

When a scream was heard through the walls, students and I would react. Some smiled. A few laughed nervously. Others and I were startled. We cringed. When the world was again calm, quietly, throughout the room, discussions emerged. The demeanor of this academic was the topic. Talk of the teacher was approached tenderly. As I listened, I learned. If a person grows up in a home where one particular approach to life is normal, they learn to accept and appreciate that manner of expression. People who were taught to expect verbal lashings, as Hillary Clinton noted, learn to accommodate or accept.

If cruel criticisms were common in a home; howls were considered to be a sign, someone cares, painful as that might be. Those never exposed to love that did not hurt could not imagine the possibility. Tis a sad state in this union, when those we treasure most are the ones we whip to a pulp with words. A country divided cannot stand.

Perchance it is time to truly discuss what divides America. Dollars and legal documents are not divisive. Paper does not have the power to pull us apart. Race cannot physically separate us. In nature, every hue is a significant part of the whole. Religion does not cause a rift between neighbors. A philosophy can only teach us. Principles do not reach into our souls and cause us to slice and dice. It is we who control the chaos that drives a wedge between our brethren and we.

Might Americans come together at home and on every avenue? From Wall Street to Main Street let us speak kindly to each other. Let us teach the children well.

Perhaps, it is time to tell those you share a life with that you revere them without reservations. If we choose to use words that consistently show we care for those we love, perhaps, peace will have a chance. If our words were to mirror our stated beliefs, possibly, money would have no power, color could do no harm, and religious principles would be evident in our every expression. Please, imagine and work to give birth to what for too long was thought impossible. Let us live in an America, united in more than name only.

Sources, Scars, Screams in a divided society . . .

Divided They Run. Editorial. The New York Times. February 6, 2008

Internal Revenue Service data. United States Internal Revenue. 2005

S.F. promotes services for illegal immigrants, By Cecilia M. Vega. San Francisco Chronicle. April 3, 2008

Red or Blue—Which Are You? Take the Slate Quiz. By Anne E. Kornblut. Slate Magazine. Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 3:00 PM ET

Neglect, Abuse Seen in 90, 000 Infants. The Associated Pres. The New York Times. April 3, 2008

pdf Neglect, Abuse Seen in 90, 000 Infants. The Associated Pres. The New York Times. April 3, 2008

In Chicago, Youth Violence Prompts Clampdown, 22 Students Slain So Far This Year; City's Public Schools Get Security Cameras and Extra Police. By Kari Lydersen. Washington Post. Wednesday, April 2, 2008; Page A02

Iraqi Deaths Are on the Rise Again During Clashes With Militias, By James Glanz. The New York Times. April 2, 2008

Emotional Child Abuse: The Invisible Plague, 
By Susan Jacoby. 
Reader's Digest. February, 1985

Invisible Scars: Verbal Abuse Triggers Adult Anxiety, Depression. Science Daily. May 22, 2006

Parents' Verbal Abuse Leaves Long-Term Legacy, Joan Arehart-Treichel. Psychiatric News. July 7, 2006

Verbal beatings hurt as much as sexual abuse, Can lead to depression, anxiety, and worse. By William J. Cromie. Harvard News Office. April 26, 2007

A developmental perspective on anger. Family and peer contexts, By Barbara D. DeBaryshe and Dale Fryxell. Psychology in the Schools, Vol. 35, 205-216

invisible scars: Verbal abuse triggers adult anxiety, depression, By Jill Elish. Florida State University.

Clinton tells Obama: 'Shame on you'; Obama fires back. Cable News Network. February 23, 2008

The CNN Democratic presidential debate in Texas. Cable News Network. February 21, 2008

Clinton Gets Emotional Over Mailers: 'Shame On You, Barack Obama' By Jake Tapper. ABC News. 
February 23, 2008 01:32 PM EST

As Crucial Tests Loom, Clinton Hits Harder, By Anne E. Kornblut and Shailagh Murray. Washington Post. Thursday, February 21, 2008; Page A01

pdf As Crucial Tests Loom, Clinton Hits Harder, By Anne E. Kornblut and Shailagh Murray. Washington Post. Thursday, February 21, 2008; Page A01

Clinton scorns Obama as running mate, By Edward Luce. The Financial Times. March 11 2008 02:00

Clinton Hints at Joint Democratic Ticket. By Jennifer Parker. ABC News March 5, 2008

Obama: Clinton Hasn't Passed Commander in Chief Test, Either, By Shailagh Murray. Washington Post. March 11, 2008

pdf The L.A. 'village' that raised Hillary Clinton's mother, The girl who became Dorothy Rodham grew up -- too fast -- in Alhambra, too fast. Perhaps you've heard of her daughter. By Joe Mathews. Los Angeles Times. March 23, 2008

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on April 4, 2008 at 08:00 AM in Abuse, Aggression, Americana, Approval or Love, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Children, Compassion, Conflict, Complex, Dreams Live and Die , Emotional Decisions, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy and Evolution, Family, Functioning, Fables | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Boys Will Be Boys; Write, Reclaim Their Voices

Jacques Derrida - Fear of Writing

© copyright 2007 Betsy L. Angert

I have not read the book; thus, any recommendation would be based on very little knowledge. Nevertheless, upon seeing the title and a short review of the text, the book, Boy Writers, Reclaiming Their Voices, I was reminded of an important topic; boys have been denied their right to be heard. As men, they do not speak freely. As I looked at the title, I pondered what I think is a serious problem. I was intrigued by the prospect of promoting a method of teaching that honors and motivates boys to speak, to share their voice in the writing.

I have not read the book; thus, any recommendation would be based on very little knowledge. Nevertheless, upon seeing the title and a short review of the text, the book, Boy Writers, Reclaiming Their Voices, I was reminded of an important topic; boys have been denied their right to be heard. As men, they do not speak freely. As I looked at the title, I pondered what I think is a serious problem. I was intrigued by the prospect of promoting a method of teaching that honors and motivates boys to speak, to share their voice in the writing.

As an author, as a Language Arts instructor, as a person that truly believes we have done a disservice to our young boys, I decided to dive into the material offered online and read of this tome. I was interested in what I might discover. I am well aware, that in America, we have forced boys to disconnect from their feelings. As toddlers males are trained to be tough. They are told to be self-sufficient. Even baby boys hear the words, "Stand up and take it like a man." In other words, do not share your feelings. Act as though you do not have them.

Parents do not chatter endlessly about anything and everything with their male offspring. Nor do they make and maintain eye contact with boys in the same way they might with girls. This latter truth surprised me. I had not thought about it until I read the research. After acquiring this knowledge, I assessed myself. I noticed that I did look deeply into the eyes of females, even those I was not emotionally close to. Yet, when I spoke with males that I had a deep connection with, I frequently looked away.

Fathers, male role models are less available for their sons. They are often off, doing as tradition dictates; they are providing for their families. When Dads and lads are together they rarely speak of the deeper dynamics. If is safer to stay on the surface or go play ball. Too often boys are miserable; yet they appear content. There are expectations, conventions, and there is so little fulfillment .

We might wonder why are many young men dropping out of high school. What is the reason fewer lads enter college. Has today's American culture created a gender gap? It seem obvious to me, it has. Might we consider the data, while remembering statistics are not static. Cultural environments evolve. Our choices can and do make a difference.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics boys drop out or are expelled from school in higher numbers than girls. And male students are three times more likely to be enrolled in special education programs.

Some say many males believe they need not be scholars; money can be made elsewhere, easily. However, this is not necessarily true. Moreover, the almighty dollar does not always bring happiness. What brings the greatest joy is passion. Sadly, few boys feel they have any; they certainly are not finding it in school. Boys are dropping out of high school en masse.

Female students graduate high school at a higher rate than male students. Nationally, 72 percent of female students graduated, compared with 65 percent of male students.

Some think this is a sign of progress. Years ago, women were not pursuing their potential. Programs were established to help young girls succeed. Young women were encouraged to speak up, to participate, and achieve. The numbers show they have. Thus, some conclude there is nothing to worry about.

Yet, perhaps there is. What occurs in the lower grades continues to have an effect as adolescents become young adults.

There are more men than women ages 18-24 in the USA — 15 million vs. 14.2 million, according to a Census Bureau estimate last year. But nationally, the male/female ratio on campus today is 43/57, a reversal from the late 1960s and well beyond the nearly even splits of the mid-1970.

Although we see the differences between men and women, boys, and girls and conclude we must address these, throughout society there are restrictions. Many are self-imposed, others are mandated by government.

Federal laws pose additional challenges. Under No Child Left Behind, for example, schools must track data by race and gender, which helps educators pinpoint vulnerable populations.

Yet, because of potential conflicts with federal laws created to ensure gender and racial equity, educators "can't target resources to where they see the need," says Deborah Wilds of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which finances college scholarships for underrepresented kids. "You know that the kids least likely to graduate are a particular gender or ethnic background, but then you have to walk a fine line in how you serve them."

While this may be true, there is power in day-to-day interactions. What occurs in the classrooms and in our homes can and does have a profound effect on the outcome. Educators and the community influence the lives of boys and men. Any of us can inspire or inhibit the active minds and vibrant hearts of boys. We must be open to who boys [and girls] are as people, as individuals, and ignore the stereotypes.

Author Christina Hoff Sommers attributes the drop [out rates and low enrollment in college] to early stereotyping of boys as "too aggressive" and "non-academic." In her book, The War Against Boys, Sommers writes that many boys don't receive enough social support and mentoring to become straight-A students and therefore become disinterested in higher education.

Perhaps, this is true. Social support affects our attitudes. Girls are often trained to please. The praise of Mommy and Daddy can be infinitely rewarding. Boys are typically raised to be independent. They are thought successful when they are self-made, strong-minded, steadfast, and stoic. Stimulation for a strapping man often is said to come from within. Young men do not have permission to be effected by their environment. We all know, or have heard, "Boys do not cry."

In truth, they do; however, the tears are suppressed. Action or reactive behaviors supplant intellectual energy for many of our lads. Aggression, or depression, often replaces an academic interest. This coupled with the fact that curriculums are frequently dry, does not serve our male students well.

Young learners barely perceive the relevance. It is difficult for children to conceive of being engaged in their learning. Boys, and girls alike, struggle to connect to the lessons presented in their classrooms. At times, the only motivator is a grade or what their parents will give them if they receive an "A" on their report card.

If we as educators wish to truly teach, we must meet our students where they live. While many may reside on Main Street or on Maple Drive, just adjacent to the campus, each student dwells in a world that is uniquely their own. Imagine if we treated each boy [and girl] as a distinctive being, if we provided him with opportunities to express their inner most feelings truly and fully, if we let our male [and female] pupils teach us how to best facilitate their growth.

Instruction begins when you, the teacher,
learn from the learner; put yourself in his place so that you may understand
. . . what he learns and the way he understands it.

~ Soren Kierkegaard

Author Ralph Fletcher apparently envisions such possibilities, and addresses the uniqueness of each life in his book. The writer wants to help us help each young man. He presents his philosophies and practices inBoy Writers, Reclaiming Their Voices. As I peruse the contents, I see much in this material that speaks to me.

In Chapter 17, Boys and Writing: Persnickety Questions, I read the author's response to "What do you do when a kid crosses the line in his writing and goes too far?" I marveled for Mister Fletcher offered displeasure with the concept of crossing the line that mirrors my own. Life is not so simple and often lines are subjective. Fletcher acknowledges that at times, there must be a discussion of content; nevertheless, we must consider the person and circumstances. Most importantly, we must consider the manner in which we communicate. Every action is a cause and there will be an effect. Educators must be cognizant of how deeply we effect our lads.

Years ago, I read an amazingly insightful tome, Real Boys, by William Pollack Ph.D. My reflecting on the research Pollack presented helped me to realize that often, even when I thought I was connecting to a boy, I was disengaging. Much of what our culture teaches us is acted out unconsciously. If we are to be good teachers we must consider the lack of noise, as well as what is said, how it is stated, and why.

"While it may seem as if we live in a man's world," reports Pollack, "we do not live in a boy's world." Many boys today are struggling either silently, with low self-esteem and feelings of loneliness and isolation, or publicly, by acting out feelings of emotional and social disconnection through anger and acts of violence against themselves or their friends and families. While academic performance and self-esteem are low, the rates of suicide and depression are on the rise. As the recent tragedies in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and Edinboro, Pennsylvania demonstrated, boys today are in crisis--on a national scale.

As I review the musings of Ralph Fletcher, in Boy Writers, I am reminded of the "silent crisis" boys suffer. Too many boys present a face of strength; yet, they are not. Young men fear being exposed, publicly or privately. Schools can be a war zone. Teacher conferences might feel like hand to hand combat. Lads often feel isolated, insecure, are melancholy, miserable, and confused although they may appear tough, cheerful, and confident.

Pollack challenges conventional expectations about manhood and masculinity that encourage parents to treat boys as little men, raising them through a toughening process that drives their true emotions underground.

Perchance Fletcher does the same. Boys need an outlet for expression. One would hope that they could articulate what they think and feel in words, through writing. Young men need not write from the instructor's point of view. They have their own.

The object of teaching a child is to enable him to get along without a teacher.
~ Elbert Hubbard [American Author, Editor and Printer, (1856-1915)]

Two teachers, Mary Lee and Franki, think and write about their lives as readers. On their blog, A Year of Reading. Franki presents an interview with her friend Ralph Fletcher, author of Boy Writers. The discussion reveals much.

A Year of Reading: What is the big message that you want readers to leave with in Boy Writers?

Ralph Fletcher: Many of our writing classrooms are not meeting the needs of boys. They are not inviting, stimulating places for boy writers. We don't welcome the strengths, passions, and quirks of boy writers. No wonder test data show that boy writers perform far below girls. If we don't do a better job of engaging boys and pulling them into our writing community, well, we're going to lose them. We already are. Test results nationwide show boys performing far below girls on writing tests.

A Year of Reading: As the dad of 4 boys, how do you hope that classrooms will change to meet the needs of boys?

Ralph Fletcher: It's probably too late for my sons. Joseph, my youngest, is in 8th grade. But there are other Josephs coming up. This book is for them.

There is a scene in the movie "Big" where the toy company executives explain a new toy to the character played by Tom Hanks and he frowns: "Well, that's not fun!" Boy writers feel something similar. They quickly learn the limits of the school writing game. Can't write fantasy. Can't write comics. Can't write stories with any fighting, hitting, weapons, farting, war. Can't draw illustrations. That's not fun! No wonder so many boys turn off from writing and see it as a "girl thing." I'm proposing what may seem like a radical idea: Each one of us should look at our writing classrooms from a boy's perspective and honestly ask ourselves: Does this environment engage boys? If not, let's make some changes. In Boy Writers I suggest many ways we need to alter our classrooms.

My friend Don Murray says "Do the writing only you can do." I'd like to see writing classrooms where teachers don't merely tolerate but encourage boys to do the kind of writing only boys can do. I'd like to see boys allowed to write stories along the lines of Jack Gantos' books and the Captain Underpants series, to name a few. Boys' pieces would include war, humor, adventure, danger, sarcasm, and satire.

A Year of Reading: Do you see the same patterns in boys' reading?

Ralph Fletcher: Well, I'm not a reading specialist but there are strong parallels between reading and writing. Writers like Jeff Wilhelm have pointed out that boys are drawn to texts we may not value: comics, video game guides, etc. It bothers me that my son Joseph would rather watch TV than read. Yet, this morning before the bus came, he sat reading his Lacrosse magazine. Reading is reading, right?

Sadly, I think we often give kids more choice in reading than we do in writing. Many teachers allow students to choose their books but give them very little choice as to what to write about. If we believe young readers need to choose books that interest them, shouldn't the same thing be true for young writers?

A Year of Reading: What role do teachers play in helping boys become writers?

Ralph Fletcher: It's huge! Every day we give kids explicit and implicit messages about themselves as writers. The boys may not show it but they are listening. They want our acceptance and approval. We haven't talked much about praise, but I think it may be more important than we imagined.

As a parent, I used to take my 3 or 4 year olds to Chuck E. Cheese's. Did I like those places? No! I find them loud and frantic. The canned music is obnoxious. The food is pretty bad. But my boys wanted to go. Did I judge them, or criticize them for wanting to go to Chunk E. Cheese's? No, I took my kids there because I know that little kids honestly and sincerely like the Chuck E. Cheese environment. It engages them. It's a place tailor-made for their raucous energy. They feel at home when they're at Chuck E. Cheese's. In a similar way, we shouldn't judge boy writers negatively for their zany choice of topic, their earthy humor or violence. This is who they are. This is where they live.

Ultimately every teacher plays the role of host of the classroom. Will boys feel welcome, or unwelcome, at the party? If they don't feel welcome, they won't write. It's up to us.

Possibly, we as educators must realize that each child, boy or girl, teaches us the best way to teach them. We must pay attention in class.

We must recall the purpose of a teacher is not to read or recite to his or her pupils. It is not to impart impertinent information. The system need not dictate the directive. A bureaucrat does not know our students. Students, particularly boys flee when they feel they are not understood or able to express themselves. There is no bliss to follow.

Educators must again facilitate individual growth, before it is too late. Fletcher acknowledges it may be too late for his sons. It was likely too late for him. Sadly, men for generations suffer in silence before they teach themselves what they did not learn at home or in school, to express themselves with words. Oh were we to teach our boys [our girls] to be expressive when they were young.

Learning is something students do, NOT something done to students.
~ Alfie Kohn [Writer, Speaker on Human Behavior, Education, and Parenting]

Please refer to these references for more thought-provoking discussion . . .

Boy Writers, Reclaiming Their Voices. By Ralph Fletcher. Stenhouse Publishers

Gender Gap 101. Online NewsHour. October 2, 2002

Chapter 17, Boys and Writing: Persnickety Questions

Real Boys, By William Pollack Ph.D.

Boy Writers by Ralph Fletcher: Author Interview. A Year of Reading.

The 10 best-paying blue-collar jobs. By Tom Van Riper. Forbes.com.

College gender gap widens: 57% are women. By Mary Beth Marklein. USA Today. October 19, 2005

Boys Struggle To Be Boys, By William J. Cromie. Harvard University Gazette

Interview With Real Boys Author William Pollack, By Blythe Woolston. Caremark.com. May 7, 2002

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on May 4, 2007 at 11:00 PM in "Take me as I am!", Adult Influence on Children, Americana, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Desire to Learn, Education, Emotional Intelligence, Isolation. Insulation. , Looking at Life, Nature or Nurture, School Days, Why I Write | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Teachers Work For Salaries or Students

Taylor Mali on what teachers make. YouTube.

© copyright 2007 Betsy L. Angert

You have heard it said, perhaps you uttered the statements. "I want to be a teacher and work only ten months a year." "I want a career that allows me to leave the "office" at 3 in the afternoon." "Those that can do; those that cannot teach." Some think, the job of an educator is a simple task. There are no challenges. The time spent on campus is short and sweet. Yet, studies show that individuals are leaving the profession in mass. According to the Washington Post half of new teachers quit within five years.

Educators flee from a profession they once thought prized. This has been the trend for quite some time.

Jessica Jentis fit the profile of a typical American teacher: She was white, held a master's degree and quit 2 1/2 years after starting her career.

According to a new study from the National Education Association, a teachers union, half of new U.S. teachers are likely to quit within the first five years because of poor working conditions and low salaries.

Jentis, now a stay-at-home mother of three, says that she could not make enough money teaching in Manhattan to pay for her student loans and that dealing with the school bureaucracy was too difficult.

"The kids were wonderful to be with, but the stress of everything that went with it and the low pay did not make it hard to leave," she said. "It's sad because you see a lot of the teachers that are young and gung-ho are ready to leave."

The proportion of new teachers who leave the profession has hovered around 50 percent for decades, said Barry A. Farber, a professor of education and psychology at Columbia University in New York.

Nevertheless, the misnomers surrounding this vocation continue to circulate. Life is bliss when you work to help children learn. Perhaps that is why teachers work as hard as they do. They know they will not be fully financially compensated for doing as they routinely do. Yet, their actions and the results of these are extremely rewarding.

Recently, Education Week published Teachers’ Workday Is Difficult to Pin Down. This exposé discusses the dynamics of the teaching profession, from hours paid to hours worked. Recently, a report , still in its preliminary stages revealed that teachers work, on average 15 ½ hours a day. In an article published in the The Honolulu Advertiser teachers share their perspectives.

Dawn Kodama-Nii, a third-grade teacher at Wilson Elementary, called the study "pretty accurate," at least in describing the amount of extra time she and her colleagues work.

She arrives at school by 7 a.m. to prepare lesson plans and get her classroom ready. She leaves at around 5 p.m., taking work home. Nearly every Sunday she puts in another seven-hour day.

"We put in so many hours," said Kodama-Nii, who is married with a 2-year-old daughter. "As a teacher, your job is never done."

But Sylvia Koo, a veteran math teacher at Farrington High who works an average of 10 hours a day, said it's not the quantity but the quality of hours that should matter more.

"We do work more than our seven-hour day, but I don't work 15 1/2 hours every day," said Koo, who also advises the school's math team and teaches math in an adult education class twice a week. "The fact that some teachers go home at 3 p.m., though, doesn't make them bad teachers."

Nor does it make them a teacher, "absent without official leave." Educators take their work with them wherever they go. Most instructors cannot and do not leave their work at the "office." In my own life, once I exited the school building, my day was not done. I graded papers while dining. I wrote plans beginning in the late afternoon. I was working and reworking into early evening. Before I realized it, the day began again and I had yet to go to sleep. Rest seemed less essential than preparing for my classes. On most mornings, while in the shower, I would think of a better way to present the material. I would quickly make changes.

I drove back to the school building and waited in line to use the copy machine. Well, I could have stood still and chatted; however, other arrangements needed my attention. Students scurried in before the bell, hoping to speak with me. There were parents to call, electronic mails to file through, paperwork to complete, and of course meetings. Weekends were slightly different. There was time to look for resources and materials. These could help me motivate minds individually. In truth, I must excite each pupil personally if they are to truly learn.

My story is not unique. Teachers throughout the world could tell the same or similar tales. Nevertheless, those not driven to the teaching profession think this scenario is overstated, unreal, or simply not credible.. Individuals quarreled over the findings in this recent report.

An Advertiser editorial said that the 15½-hour workday “defies logic,” and added that the newspaper’s reporter should have spoken with someone outside the committee who could have brought perspective to the matter.

But the debate in Hawaii throws up a question with as many answers, it appears, as there are education interests: How many hours does the average teacher clock in?

Further complicating the issue is the fact that teachers work a calendar different from that of other professions—usually around 38 weeks a year.

Based on the shorter work year, some researchers have argued that teachers are on a par with other professions in pay for actual hours worked. A controversial report that came out earlier this year from researchers Jay P. Greene and Marcus A. Winters of the New York City-based Manhattan Institute computed hourly wages for teachers using data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics to find that, on average, they earn more than economists, registered nurses, and architects, among others. In fact, it said, the average public school teacher was paid 36 percent more than the average white-collar worker in 2005.

While I, and many studies dispute this claim, I think it is vital that we look at what goes on in the classroom. On average, a single class may have twenty to forty students. Each pupil has his or her own history and manner of working, coping, or relating to information and instruction. These may not be complimentary.

The stress on a student or a teacher takes a toll. While most educators feels connected to the scholars in their space and to the curriculum, troubling matters amass. Frequently, a teacher is frustrated. They feel they have little time to teach. Discipline is a dilemma. Class size does not always lend itself to effective instruction. Efficacy is reduced. Sadly, educators no longer believe that they can facilitate growth. We have all heard the phrase, "teacher burn-out." Frequently, educators, as people in all professions expect much of themselves.

We all see parents unable to "control" the crying of a lone child. Perhaps, we are the forlorn mother or father embarrassed when our offspring runs rampant up and down store isles. Imagine, being an instructor, trying to stimulate a class full of students, each with their own individual interests, while maintaining a constructive classroom demeanor.

The ability to control students in a classroom is a critical factor in any educational setting. After all, if teachers do not react adequately to students when their behavior is disruptive, instruction suffers. Teachers who distrust their ability to maintain classroom order cannot avoid this key factor of the job. Day in, day out, they must continue to instruct students in order to reach educational goals.

Teachers who have no confidence in their classroom management abilities are confronted by their incompetence every day, while at the same time understanding how important that competence is if they are to perform well and achieve the educational goals. Furthermore, they are likely to know that their colleagues routinely succeed in obtaining a comfortable classroom environment (Metz, 1978).

Teachers who (1) distrust their classroom management abilities under standard job conditions and (2) understand the importance of that competence, (3) cannot avoid the management tasks if they are to reach the educational goals, and (4) are informed that colleagues routinely obtain a comfortable learning environment, can easily suffer stress, exhaustion, and negative attitudes (Davies & Yates, 1982; Usaf & Kavanagh, 1990).

Several studies demonstrate that doubts about self-efficacy can in themselves trigger the burnout process. Chwalisz, Altmaier, and Russell (1992) found that teachers who score low in self-efficacy reported a higher degree of burnout than their counterparts who score high in self-efficacy.

Greenglass and Burke (1988) conclude that doubts about self-efficacy contributed significantly to the development of burnout among male teachers. The more specific relationship between teachers' perceived self-efficacy in classroom management and burnout has been investigated as well. Friedman and Farber (1992) found that teachers who considered themselves less competent in classroom management and discipline reported a higher level of burnout than their counterparts who have more confidence in their competence in this regard.

Sigh deeply and continue to assess the predicament of educators. When the Manhattan Institute cited their conclusion, there was a clamor among educators. Career professionals spoke not of the circumstances within the learning environment. They addressed other concerns, those mandated by government.

The study met with vehement opposition from teachers’ unions, which pointed out that it did not take into account additional hours that teachers put into their jobs outside the classroom.

While school days have always been long, “there is a lot going on now in terms of the No Child Left Behind Act,” said Reg Weaver, the president of the 3.1 million-member National Education Association, referring to the mandates of the 5-year-old federal law.

“There is a ton of paperwork that needs to be done in addition to other responsibilities, and teachers are trying to juggle the duties and responsibilities they have both in classroom and after school,” he added.

We have heard that from many a teacher; yet few take the time to consider the truth of this statement. Assumptions are made. Instructors often have students grade their own, or a classmates work. Yet, those methods for correcting are not always practical, possible, or pedagogically sound. Humans crave attention and the admiration of those they perceive as experts. When a pupil works diligently, and receives a score on a paper and no comments, they feel lost, devastated, and desirous of more. If an academic is expected to excel they must have information to assist them. Authentic achievement involves much nurturing. It is challenging to stimulate learning within a large group. Individuals want and need attention.

Showing interest in each learner takes a lot of time. The clock is ticking. Twenty students, perhaps forty, five, six, or seven subjects to teach, this is the dilemma. Journalist, Vaishalo Honawar, writes, this is a complicated question and the answer is equally complex.

Across the political spectrum, experts tend to agree that many teachers put in hours well in excess of the seven-hour workday stipulated in most union contracts.

According to Lawrence Mishel, the president of the Washington-based Economic Policy Institute, teachers work as hard as professionals in other fields, and then some.

“Teachers work as many hours per week as other college graduates, … or at least women teachers work as much as or more than women college graduates in other professions, while male teachers work slightly less than male graduates in other professions,” said Mr. Mishel, whose board of directors includes labor-union officials.

“I think it’s a mistake for people to think teachers only work their contracted hours,” said Kate Walsh, the president of the National Council on Teacher Quality, a conservative-leaning advocacy, and policy group in Washington. It is “difficult and almost impossible” for teachers to get all their work, including preparation for class, done within the hours stipulated in the contract, she added.

Even the Bureau of Labor Statistics acknowledges that there is more to the question of teacher work hours than hard facts. In its latest annual survey on worker compensation, released last August, the bureau found that elementary teachers worked 36.5 hours a week, while secondary school teachers worked 36.9 hours. Special education teachers worked 35.4 hours.

But the bureau also says, in its Occupational Outlook Handbook, that after including school duties performed outside the classroom, many teachers work more than 40 hours a week.

Teachers’ unions, meanwhile, have their own figures. According to Mr. Weaver, the average teacher spends 50 hours a week on instructional duties, and 12 more hours on non-instructional tasks, such as grading papers, advising students, and serving on bus duty.

Those responsibilities, in essence, stretch the workday of an average teacher to more than 12 hours—almost twice what is stated in most contracts.

Yet, many quibble. Among the economists and researchers, remarks are made. Michael Podgursky, an Economics Professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison quipped, “People always think they’re working. But if I’m on a treadmill thinking about work, does that count as work?” Nevertheless, in Hawaii there may be some hope for overworked and underpaid teaching professionals. It seems the Time Committee cares. Will parents, Principals, School Boards, and Districts?

$63,000 More?
In Hawaii, the Time Committee was set up in 2005 as a result of a collective bargaining agreement between the school board and the union. (Hawaii has a single, statewide school district.) It was in response to teachers’ concerns of spending many extra hours on the job, said Joan Lee Husted, the executive director of the Hawaii State Teachers Association.

“Our teachers have been complaining that with NCLB and with standards-based education, they have been doing more testing, more paperwork, and more committee meetings than they are preparing for delivering instruction,” she said.

The preliminary report found that teachers spend 1,780 additional hours a year, or 254 additional seven-hour workdays, on noninstructional duties that include creating lesson plans, grading tests, counseling individual students, and communicating with parents, among many other tasks. If teachers were compensated for the additional work at the average daily rate of pay, the report says, it would cost $63,000 more per teacher per year.

Meanwhile, the NEA’s Mr. Weaver said a teacher working for 15 hours does not sound, to him, beyond the realm of possibility.

For most teachers, he said, a 12-hour workday is common.

“Teachers are always engaged with the children and the community,” Mr. Weaver said. “We spend a lot of time working.”

Perchance an additional $63,000 per teacher is ah, but a dream. Nonetheless, in a time when American students are falling behind, we as a nation might consider that investing in education and educators benefits society as a whole. Schools are not meant to serve as storage spaces for children, while parents go off and play or make money to pay the bills. Our educational institutions are the foundation for our future.

A Teachers Work and Wages . . .

pdf Teachers’ Workday Is Difficult to Pin Down, By Vaishali Honawar. Education Week. April 18, 2007

Teacher's day ends long after bell, By Catherine E. Toth. Advertiser Urban Honolulu Sunday, March 4, 2007

How Much Are Public School Teachers Paid? By Jay P. Greene and Marcus A. Winters. The Manhattan Institute

The National Compensation Survey (NCS) U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics

Half of Teachers Quit in 5 Years, Working Conditions, Low Salaries Cited. By Lisa Lambert. Reuters. Washington Post. 
Tuesday, May 9, 2006; A07

pdf Half of Teachers Quit in 5 Years, Working Conditions, Low Salaries Cited. By Lisa Lambert. 
Reuters. Washington Post. Tuesday, May 9, 2006; A07

Insights Into Why U.S. Students Lag Behind in Global Academic 'Horse Race,' By Edward B. Fiske. International Herald Tribune. Tuesday, February 11, 1997

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on April 24, 2007 at 11:00 AM in Art of Loving, Have or Be, Change the World [Within], Creativity and Curiosity, Education, Education or Economics, No Child Left Behind, School Days, Teach The Children | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Seung-Hui Cho. I Mourn Your Life and Loss

© copyright 2007 Betsy L. Angert

My heart aches. Of course I mourn the passing of the thirty-two Virginia Polytechnic University students, as do we all throughout the globe. Nevertheless, I cannot forget how my heart hurts for the thirty-third victim, the one the media never seems to count among those killed, Seung-Hui Cho. On April 16, 2007 thirty-three lovable and fragile individuals passed.

Seung-Hui Cho, as he called himself, was a young man locked in Hades for decades. His death began long before the day of infamy. He longed for comfort and company. All he received was chiding. Even in death, Seung-Hui Cho is scorned. I am forlorn.

From the first, there were labels. Many said he was "Chinese"; they would then add their political concerns for China. Then he was, and today he is still frequently referred to as a Korean National. Calls for restraints on immigration are common. Of course, in the minds of many American's anyone that is not white is not right, and definitely, if they are not born in this country, they are aliens.

Among some, there is ample discussion for the name of this now notable student, the "shooter." Many believe his ethnicity is more important than the person.

The Asian version of the name - Cho Seung-Hui - appeared to be more widespread, in part because of its use in the ubiquitous wire stories from Reuters and the AP. As a result, some Korean-Americans felt media groups were playing up Cho's foreign-ness, according to the Asian American Journalists Association, which advised reporters to use the American order.

Thankfully, and I do note the use of the name is Americanized, as family members and Cho himself seem to prefer, National Public Radio retorted as I had when speaking to friends and family. This young and deeply disturbed man was, is an American.

How American was Seung-Hui Cho? Despite being a South Korean national living in America, his upbringing, and his problems, were distinctly American.

The system or lack of social services in the United states let this man slide through many a crack.

Seung-Hui Cho and his parents were hoping to find streets paved in gold in America. Unfortunately, they discovered what many of us do, life is good if you are among the fertile few. Actually, life, even for the affluent can be a struggle. Life is life. People yell; they scream, they damn, and they slam. Consider the woes of an eleven year old. The daughter of Alec Baldwin may have been born into money; nevertheless, she receives the wrath of a supposedly loving father. She is verbally slammed and damned.

Imagine how loved this little girl must feel after being told she is a "thoughtless little pig," Her Dad, actor Baldwin, threatens to set here straight during their meeting the following day. Were I she I would want to run for my life. Seung-Hui Cho, the wounded must have often felt a need to escape. Perhaps, his sullen manner was his means for flight. Seung-Hui Cho said in an 1,800-word rambling . . .

'I didn't have to do this. I could have left. I could have fled. But no, I will no longer run.'

Cho lived in shadows, deep and dark. He attended classes at a prestigious University. He was a scholar, a writer. Yet, he was shunned. His dialect was odd, mumbled, and his words were difficult to discern. This academic was nearing graduation, a scary proposition all in itself. He did not feel excepted in the world. From what we know of his history, he never had.

Some say he was paranoid, obsessively anxious, or unreasonably suspicious. Perhaps he was. Many of us feel family and friends expect much of us and from us. Often we compare ourselves to others and we believe we fall short. Acceptance into an esteemed University is glorious. Maintaining good grades is meaningful. Yet, any of us may wonder, is that good enough. Perchance when our sibling excels, we are far more aware of our failings.

Though Monday's shootings at Virginia Tech had already cast a shadow over campus, the news yesterday morning that the gunman's older sister is a recent Princeton alumna brought the tragedy even closer to home.

Sun-Kyung Cho '04 was an economics major who interned at the U.S. Embassy in Bangkok during the summer before her senior year and wrote briefly for The Daily Princetonian. She now works as a "State Department contractor," The Washington Post reported yesterday, and was listed on Princeton's alumni directory as living in Centreville, Va., with her parents.

The parents of these fine children are so devastated, they are residing in a community hospital. They feel deeply pained by their son's circumstance. The mother and father meant no harm; they as all parents hoped to provide the best for their children. In an interview with Seung-Hui Cho's grandfather, the elder stated

"Seung-hui troubled his parents when he was young because he wouldn't talk, but he was well-behaved," said the man, who asked to be called Mr Kim, in interviews with two Korean newspapers.

"I don't know how I can compensate for the responsibility for raising my kids improperly. I don't know how he could do this when his parents went to a country far away and worked hard."

They are troubled and think themselves responsible. Perhaps, America has let the Cho family down. They expected so much, all Americans do. However, little is received. The rewards are few.

In an editorial, the Hankyoreh newspaper wrote today that Cho’s case illustrated a problem faced by many South Korean immigrants in the US, where parents are too busy at work to take care of their children.



“It is the reality of our immigrants that parents are so busy making a living that it’s not easy for them to have dialogue with young children,” the newspaper wrote.



“We should think about whether our society or our (Korean) community abroad has been negligent in preventing conditions that could lead to such an aberration,” it said.

Many in the Korean community think the problem lies in the life of an émigré; however, even native born Americans struggle to make a decent wage or create a comfortable caring environment for their children.

Most neighbours could barely recall talking to the couple. "They're very quiet, very nice people. They worked very hard for him. It's very sad," their next-door neighbour, Abdul Shash, told the Associated Press.

"They valued education, just like any other parents in this country, and they worked sometimes 12, 13 hours a day to send a daughter to Princeton and to send their son to Virginia Tech," said Jeff Ahn, president of the League of Korean Americans in Virginia.

Most of us think our lack of personal success is our fault. When our offspring struggle or hurt another, we are pained. A Grandfather feels responsible for his own progeny and the product of their love. Mister Kim the eldest representative of a kind and caring family reflects,

“How could he have done such a thing if he had any sympathy for his parents, who went all the way to another country because they couldn’t make ends meet and endured hardships,” Cho’s maternal grandfather, identified only by his last name Kim, was quoted as saying.

As a child Seung-Hui Cho was ridiculed and bullyed. As an adult he hid; he hoped to avoid the taunts and teasing.

Former classmates recalled Cho being taunted over his speech difficulties.

He almost never opened his mouth and would ignore attempts to strike up a conversation, said Chris Davids, a Virginia Tech senior who graduated from Westfield High School in Chantilly, Va., with Cho in 2003.

When Cho read out loud in class, other students laughed at his strange, deep voice that sounded "like he had something in his mouth," Davids said.

In a video Cho mailed to NBC in the middle of his rampage at Virginia Tech, the 23-year-old portrayed himself as persecuted and rants about rich kids.

One professor saw his angst. She read the words of a tormented soul. She was frightened. Initially, she embraced the long-suffering spirit of this neglected man.

Lucinda Roy, a co-director of the creative writing program at Virginia Tech, taught Cho in a poetry class in fall of 2005 and later worked with him one-on-one after she became concerned about his behavior and themes in his writings.

The professor pondered. She realized Seung-Hui Cho was without friends. He did not know how to relate; perhaps, he had never had the chance.

Roy told ABC News that Cho seemed "extraordinarily lonely—the loneliest person I have ever met in my life." She said he wore sunglasses indoors, with a cap pulled low over his eyes.

In his writings he was lashing out as all wounded animals do. His actions amplified the distance he felt and thus, created.

He whispered, took 20 seconds to answer questions, and took cellphone pictures of her in class. Roy said she was concerned for her safety when she met with him.

Professor Roy became fearful. Sadly, we all are when we do not understand. Often, when any of us think we are threatened, instead of continuing to assist, we withdraw from what causes us great apprehension. We avoid knowing what we recognize and prepare to protect ourselves further. Thus, we as a society discuss increasing security in our schools rather than raising the standards and funding for mental health.

Such is the situation, the shortsightedness. It is all so sad to me. We separate ourselves from each other. We create stress. Then instead of coming together we try harder to take control. Emotions cannot be regulated; in truth, we cannot mandate behaviors. If we are to be truly safe, we must ensure that every individual feels cared for to his or her core. I believe we must interact, not react.

I beseech us all; I ask Americans, émigrés, and individuals in every corner of the globe, do not hold your children tighter, lock them up in buildings where there is little genuine affection. Love them; they need to feel safe and secure and only your authentic fondness can fill their hearts and provide stability. Pay attention to the progeny. They are our future.

Do not apply pressure as a tourniquet might. Suffocating a wound appears to stop the flow. However, scars form from within. What is not released, calmly and with care, in the moment builds up. Feelings must be felt, expressed, and received gently with concern.

Please let your loved ones be and breathe. Provide them with the freedom to speak and to feel. Be with those that are special to you. Listen to their concerns. Allow them to lean on your shoulder when they wish to. Tenderly teach autonomy. Do not dismiss the essence of interdependence as well. May we honor our children wholly in our homes and schools.

Please let us not place imprison our pupils, our progeny. Provide for them in meaningful ways. Trust them to grow and nurture them on their unique path.

Instruction begins when you, the teacher, learn from the learner; put yourself in his place so that you may understand
. . . what he learns and the way he understands it.

~ Soren Kierkegaard

Everything depends upon the quality of experience . . . just as no man lives or dies to himself, so no experience lives and dies to itself. 

Any experience is mis-educative that has the effect of arresting or distorting the growth of further experience.

The central problem of an education based upon experience is to select the kind of present experience that live fruitfully and creatively in subsequent experiences.
~ John Dewey [American Philosopher, Psychologist, Educational Reformer]

The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives.
~ R. M. Hutchins [American Educator, Author, The University of Utopia and The Learning Society]

The sorrow is deep and the family feels more than any of us might imagine. I share the Cho family statement. I think that we each can feel their pain in these words.

Text of Cho family statement
By The Associated Press
Statement issued to The Associated Press by Sun-Kyung Cho, sister of Seung-Hui Cho:

On behalf of our family, we are so deeply sorry for the devastation my brother has caused. No words can express our sadness that 32 innocent people lost their lives this week in such a terrible, senseless tragedy.

We are heartbroken.

We grieve alongside the families, the Virginia Tech community, our State of Virginia, and the rest of the nation. And, the world.

Every day since April 16, my father, mother and I pray for students Ross Abdallah Alameddine, Brian Roy Bluhm, Ryan Christopher Clark, Austin Michelle Cloyd, Matthew Gregory Gwaltney, Caitlin Millar Hammaren, Jeremy Michael Herbstritt, Rachael Elizabeth Hill, Emily Jane Hilscher, Jarrett Lee Lane, Matthew Joseph La Porte, Henry J. Lee, Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan, Lauren Ashley McCain, Daniel Patrick O'Neil, J. Ortiz-Ortiz, Minal Hiralal Panchal, Daniel Alejandro Perez, Erin Nicole Peterson, Michael Steven Pohle Jr., Julia Kathleen Pryde, Mary Karen Read, Reema Joseph Samaha, Waleed Mohamed Shaalan, Leslie Geraldine Sherman, Maxine Shelly Turner, Nicole White, Instructor Christopher James Bishop, and Professors Jocelyne Couture-Nowak, Kevin P. Granata, Liviu Librescu and G.V. Loganathan.

We pray for their families and loved ones who are experiencing so much excruciating grief. And we pray for those who were injured and for those whose lives are changed forever because of what they witnessed and experienced.

Each of these people had so much love, talent, and gifts to offer, and their lives were cut short by a horrible and senseless act.

We are humbled by this darkness. We feel hopeless, helpless, and lost. This is someone that I grew up with and loved. Now I feel like I didn't know this person.

We have always been a close, peaceful, and loving family. My brother was quiet and reserved, yet struggled to fit in. We never could have envisioned that he was capable of so much violence.

He has made the world weep. We are living a nightmare.

There is much justified anger and disbelief at what my brother did, and a lot of questions are left unanswered. Our family will continue to cooperate fully and do whatever we can to help authorities understand why these senseless acts happened. We have many unanswered questions as well.

Our family is so very sorry for my brother's unspeakable actions. It is a terrible tragedy for all of us.

Source: North Carolina attorney Wade Smith, who provided the statement on behalf of the Cho family

Those that passed can no longer physically help teach us to be kind, aware, active, and giving. However, through them, I hope we all learn. Every moment of life is fragile, fleeting, and a foundation for the future.

This is not the time to teach fear. It is an occasion, an opportunity to reflect. Perhaps, we might learn to love every being, even those that appear to be different or distant.

Seung-Hui Cho My Sadness for Yours . . .

In Virginia, a Day of Mourning Associated Press. The New York times. April 20, 2007

pdf In Virginia, a Day of Mourning Associated Press. The New York times. April 20, 2007

Cho Seung-Hui or Seung-Hui Cho? By Michelle Tsai. Slate. Thursday, April 19, 2007

Weighing Cho's Heritage and Identity, By Robert Siegal. All Things Considered. April 18, 2007

Alec Baldwin's Threatening Message to Daughter. By TMZ. April 19th 2007

Tragedy at Virginia Tech, Gunman kills 32 in dorm and classrooms before taking own life. By Jonathan Zebrowski. Princetonian. April 17, 2007

Virginia Shooter Spoke Little As Child, By Bo-Mi Lim, Associated Press. SFGate. Thursday, April 19, 2007

Text of Cho Family Statement. Seattlepi.April 20, 2007

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on April 20, 2007 at 04:43 PM in "Take me as I am!", American Family, Approval or Love, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Change the World [Within], Communities, Communities and Communication , Compassion, Conflict, Complex, Education, Emotional Decisions, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy and Evolution, Family, Functioning, Fables, Humans, Self-Destructive, Looking at Life, Loss of Life, Nature or Nurture, Quality of Life, School Days, School Shootings, School Violence, Society, Teach The Children | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Elizabeth Edwards; "Decency Costs Nothing." It is Priceless

© copyright 2007 Betsy L. Angert

Last evening, when I first heard the news, Elizabeth Edwards might be in trouble, I wrote of my concern. Could it be cancer, again? I shared what I knew and what I thought throughout our cyberspace community. I received many a beautiful comment. Scarce shared Elizabeth Edwards CBS Free Speech. Missus Edwards spoke to me.

I believe in interdependence, in equality, in people of every race, color, and creed. Much to the dismay of many, I act on my faith.

I have been teased, misunderstood, and stared at, for I speak to everyone, no matter where I go. In restaurants, I chat endlessly with my servers. The person that cleans the table or delivers the water is no less important to me than the people I am sitting with. I often befriend restaurant staff. Many have become part of my life.

When I shop, I get to know the associates. I ask for their advice. I trust their taste and value their opinions. I perceive their sense of style. As a customer, a passer-by, as a person that cares for my surroundings, I pick up merchandise or materials that have been carelessly tossed about.

Over the years, in many neighborhoods, I have befriended my mail person.

While walking, I meet the glance of those crossing my path. While in a line I will converse with those waiting with me. These persons may be employed in service jobs. They might be without a work. Their careers could be crashing, or they may be profoundly professional. It is difficult to tell who is who when people are casually dressed and doing their chores. It matters not to me.

I speak to bow-wows and kitties, birds, and squirrels. I love life. Actually, those that know me well will tell you, I believe nothing is intangible. What others define as objects are living souls to me. They too have an energy, an essence, and are essential. We are all sharing this planet together.

Elizabeth Edwards understands this. She said . . .

Did you buy groceries today? If so, who was your cashier? Who bagged your soda?

They have names, you know – and chances are they were even wearing their names on their shirts. But did you notice?

Sadly, as a country, Americans have gotten used to treating those in service positions as if they were part of the cash register, part of the conveyor belt. They aren’t.

They are mothers, fathers, daughters, and sons working hard to provide for their families. And they are working harder and earning less than most Americans who work behind a desk.

Everyone in America who works hard deserves our respect.

But too, often we fail to realize that each of us is connected to the other.

Too often, we fail to realize that each of us has a name, a life, a dream.

It is the first step in civility to acknowledge our fellow citizens, to use their names, to look them in the face and thank them for making your life not just easier but possible. The second step – which is also too rare – is to treat each other with respect and even tenderness.

I have had hard times. But my life has been easier not just because of my splendid family or my incredible friends. But because I had support from unexpected places – from Edward, my mailman; from Drew, who works at my children's school; from Sam, who bags groceries at my supermarket.

My life has been easier because the people I have treated tenderly have returned the gift. Decency, it turns out, costs nothing.

Elizabeth, I relate. Friends and family, those close to me, have often said they think my life was hard. Yet, I was and am happy. I experience as you observe. "Decency costs nothing." The returns are phenomenal.

I have never felt alone. Support surrounds me. I give from the heart, for I honor all life. I receive more than I might imagine. Tender talk, a soft touch, and perchance a slight smile, treating others as though they are as important as they are, that is priceless.

Refer to references. . .

Elizabeth Edwards CBS Free Speech. YouTube.

John Edwards to Discuss Wife's Health, Campaign, and Country, By Betsy L. Angert. BeThink.org. March 21, 2007

Free Speech: Elizabeth Edwards, Advocate Speaks Out About The Importance Of Decency In America. CBS Broadcasting.

Posted by Betsy L. Angert on March 23, 2007 at 12:11 AM in Americana, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Communities, Communities and Communication , Emotional Intelligence, Empathy and Evolution, Looking at Life, Nature or Nurture, Philosophy, Quality of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack