Seung-Hui Cho. I Mourn Your Life and Loss
© copyright 2007 Betsy L. Angert
My heart aches. Of course I mourn the passing of the thirty-two Virginia Polytechnic University students, as do we all throughout the globe. Nevertheless, I cannot forget how my heart hurts for the thirty-third victim, the one the media never seems to count among those killed, Seung-Hui Cho. On April 16, 2007 thirty-three lovable and fragile individuals passed.
Seung-Hui Cho, as he called himself, was a young man locked in Hades for decades. His death began long before the day of infamy. He longed for comfort and company. All he received was chiding. Even in death, Seung-Hui Cho is scorned. I am forlorn.
From the first, there were labels. Many said he was "Chinese"; they would then add their political concerns for China. Then he was, and today he is still frequently referred to as a Korean National. Calls for restraints on immigration are common. Of course, in the minds of many American's anyone that is not white is not right, and definitely, if they are not born in this country, they are aliens.
Among some, there is ample discussion for the name of this now notable student, the "shooter." Many believe his ethnicity is more important than the person.
The Asian version of the name - Cho Seung-Hui - appeared to be more widespread, in part because of its use in the ubiquitous wire stories from Reuters and the AP. As a result, some Korean-Americans felt media groups were playing up Cho's foreign-ness, according to the Asian American Journalists Association, which advised reporters to use the American order.
Thankfully, and I do note the use of the name is Americanized, as family members and Cho himself seem to prefer, National Public Radio retorted as I had when speaking to friends and family. This young and deeply disturbed man was, is an American.
How American was Seung-Hui Cho? Despite being a South Korean national living in America, his upbringing, and his problems, were distinctly American.The system or lack of social services in the United states let this man slide through many a crack.
Seung-Hui Cho and his parents were hoping to find streets paved in gold in America. Unfortunately, they discovered what many of us do, life is good if you are among the fertile few. Actually, life, even for the affluent can be a struggle. Life is life. People yell; they scream, they damn, and they slam. Consider the woes of an eleven year old. The daughter of Alec Baldwin may have been born into money; nevertheless, she receives the wrath of a supposedly loving father. She is verbally slammed and damned.
Imagine how loved this little girl must feel after being told she is a "thoughtless little pig," Her Dad, actor Baldwin, threatens to set here straight during their meeting the following day. Were I she I would want to run for my life. Seung-Hui Cho, the wounded must have often felt a need to escape. Perhaps, his sullen manner was his means for flight. Seung-Hui Cho said in an 1,800-word rambling . . .
'I didn't have to do this. I could have left. I could have fled. But no, I will no longer run.'
Cho lived in shadows, deep and dark. He attended classes at a prestigious University. He was a scholar, a writer. Yet, he was shunned. His dialect was odd, mumbled, and his words were difficult to discern. This academic was nearing graduation, a scary proposition all in itself. He did not feel excepted in the world. From what we know of his history, he never had.
Some say he was paranoid, obsessively anxious, or unreasonably suspicious. Perhaps he was. Many of us feel family and friends expect much of us and from us. Often we compare ourselves to others and we believe we fall short. Acceptance into an esteemed University is glorious. Maintaining good grades is meaningful. Yet, any of us may wonder, is that good enough. Perchance when our sibling excels, we are far more aware of our failings.
Though Monday's shootings at Virginia Tech had already cast a shadow over campus, the news yesterday morning that the gunman's older sister is a recent Princeton alumna brought the tragedy even closer to home.The parents of these fine children are so devastated, they are residing in a community hospital. They feel deeply pained by their son's circumstance. The mother and father meant no harm; they as all parents hoped to provide the best for their children. In an interview with Seung-Hui Cho's grandfather, the elder statedSun-Kyung Cho '04 was an economics major who interned at the U.S. Embassy in Bangkok during the summer before her senior year and wrote briefly for The Daily Princetonian. She now works as a "State Department contractor," The Washington Post reported yesterday, and was listed on Princeton's alumni directory as living in Centreville, Va., with her parents.
"Seung-hui troubled his parents when he was young because he wouldn't talk, but he was well-behaved," said the man, who asked to be called Mr Kim, in interviews with two Korean newspapers.They are troubled and think themselves responsible. Perhaps, America has let the Cho family down. They expected so much, all Americans do. However, little is received. The rewards are few."I don't know how I can compensate for the responsibility for raising my kids improperly. I don't know how he could do this when his parents went to a country far away and worked hard."
In an editorial, the Hankyoreh newspaper wrote today that Cho’s case illustrated a problem faced by many South Korean immigrants in the US, where parents are too busy at work to take care of their children.Many in the Korean community think the problem lies in the life of an émigré; however, even native born Americans struggle to make a decent wage or create a comfortable caring environment for their children.“It is the reality of our immigrants that parents are so busy making a living that it’s not easy for them to have dialogue with young children,” the newspaper wrote.
“We should think about whether our society or our (Korean) community abroad has been negligent in preventing conditions that could lead to such an aberration,” it said.
Most neighbours could barely recall talking to the couple. "They're very quiet, very nice people. They worked very hard for him. It's very sad," their next-door neighbour, Abdul Shash, told the Associated Press.Most of us think our lack of personal success is our fault. When our offspring struggle or hurt another, we are pained. A Grandfather feels responsible for his own progeny and the product of their love. Mister Kim the eldest representative of a kind and caring family reflects,"They valued education, just like any other parents in this country, and they worked sometimes 12, 13 hours a day to send a daughter to Princeton and to send their son to Virginia Tech," said Jeff Ahn, president of the League of Korean Americans in Virginia.
“How could he have done such a thing if he had any sympathy for his parents, who went all the way to another country because they couldn’t make ends meet and endured hardships,” Cho’s maternal grandfather, identified only by his last name Kim, was quoted as saying.As a child Seung-Hui Cho was ridiculed and bullyed. As an adult he hid; he hoped to avoid the taunts and teasing.
Former classmates recalled Cho being taunted over his speech difficulties.One professor saw his angst. She read the words of a tormented soul. She was frightened. Initially, she embraced the long-suffering spirit of this neglected man.He almost never opened his mouth and would ignore attempts to strike up a conversation, said Chris Davids, a Virginia Tech senior who graduated from Westfield High School in Chantilly, Va., with Cho in 2003.
When Cho read out loud in class, other students laughed at his strange, deep voice that sounded "like he had something in his mouth," Davids said.
In a video Cho mailed to NBC in the middle of his rampage at Virginia Tech, the 23-year-old portrayed himself as persecuted and rants about rich kids.
Lucinda Roy, a co-director of the creative writing program at Virginia Tech, taught Cho in a poetry class in fall of 2005 and later worked with him one-on-one after she became concerned about his behavior and themes in his writings.The professor pondered. She realized Seung-Hui Cho was without friends. He did not know how to relate; perhaps, he had never had the chance.
Roy told ABC News that Cho seemed "extraordinarily lonely—the loneliest person I have ever met in my life." She said he wore sunglasses indoors, with a cap pulled low over his eyes.In his writings he was lashing out as all wounded animals do. His actions amplified the distance he felt and thus, created.
He whispered, took 20 seconds to answer questions, and took cellphone pictures of her in class. Roy said she was concerned for her safety when she met with him.Professor Roy became fearful. Sadly, we all are when we do not understand. Often, when any of us think we are threatened, instead of continuing to assist, we withdraw from what causes us great apprehension. We avoid knowing what we recognize and prepare to protect ourselves further. Thus, we as a society discuss increasing security in our schools rather than raising the standards and funding for mental health.
Such is the situation, the shortsightedness. It is all so sad to me. We separate ourselves from each other. We create stress. Then instead of coming together we try harder to take control. Emotions cannot be regulated; in truth, we cannot mandate behaviors. If we are to be truly safe, we must ensure that every individual feels cared for to his or her core. I believe we must interact, not react.
I beseech us all; I ask Americans, émigrés, and individuals in every corner of the globe, do not hold your children tighter, lock them up in buildings where there is little genuine affection. Love them; they need to feel safe and secure and only your authentic fondness can fill their hearts and provide stability. Pay attention to the progeny. They are our future.
Do not apply pressure as a tourniquet might. Suffocating a wound appears to stop the flow. However, scars form from within. What is not released, calmly and with care, in the moment builds up. Feelings must be felt, expressed, and received gently with concern.
Please let your loved ones be and breathe. Provide them with the freedom to speak and to feel. Be with those that are special to you. Listen to their concerns. Allow them to lean on your shoulder when they wish to. Tenderly teach autonomy. Do not dismiss the essence of interdependence as well. May we honor our children wholly in our homes and schools.
Please let us not place imprison our pupils, our progeny. Provide for them in meaningful ways. Trust them to grow and nurture them on their unique path.
Instruction begins when you, the teacher, learn from the learner; put yourself in his place so that you may understand
. . . what he learns and the way he understands it.
~ Soren Kierkegaard
Everything depends upon the quality of experience . . . just as no man lives or dies to himself, so no experience lives and dies to itself.
Any experience is mis-educative that has the effect of arresting or distorting the growth of further experience.
The central problem of an education based upon experience is to select the kind of present experience that live fruitfully and creatively in subsequent experiences.
~ John Dewey [American Philosopher, Psychologist, Educational Reformer]
The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives.
~ R. M. Hutchins [American Educator, Author, The University of Utopia and The Learning Society]
The sorrow is deep and the family feels more than any of us might imagine. I share the Cho family statement. I think that we each can feel their pain in these words.
Text of Cho family statementThose that passed can no longer physically help teach us to be kind, aware, active, and giving. However, through them, I hope we all learn. Every moment of life is fragile, fleeting, and a foundation for the future.
By The Associated Press
Statement issued to The Associated Press by Sun-Kyung Cho, sister of Seung-Hui Cho:On behalf of our family, we are so deeply sorry for the devastation my brother has caused. No words can express our sadness that 32 innocent people lost their lives this week in such a terrible, senseless tragedy.
We are heartbroken.
We grieve alongside the families, the Virginia Tech community, our State of Virginia, and the rest of the nation. And, the world.
Every day since April 16, my father, mother and I pray for students Ross Abdallah Alameddine, Brian Roy Bluhm, Ryan Christopher Clark, Austin Michelle Cloyd, Matthew Gregory Gwaltney, Caitlin Millar Hammaren, Jeremy Michael Herbstritt, Rachael Elizabeth Hill, Emily Jane Hilscher, Jarrett Lee Lane, Matthew Joseph La Porte, Henry J. Lee, Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan, Lauren Ashley McCain, Daniel Patrick O'Neil, J. Ortiz-Ortiz, Minal Hiralal Panchal, Daniel Alejandro Perez, Erin Nicole Peterson, Michael Steven Pohle Jr., Julia Kathleen Pryde, Mary Karen Read, Reema Joseph Samaha, Waleed Mohamed Shaalan, Leslie Geraldine Sherman, Maxine Shelly Turner, Nicole White, Instructor Christopher James Bishop, and Professors Jocelyne Couture-Nowak, Kevin P. Granata, Liviu Librescu and G.V. Loganathan.
We pray for their families and loved ones who are experiencing so much excruciating grief. And we pray for those who were injured and for those whose lives are changed forever because of what they witnessed and experienced.
Each of these people had so much love, talent, and gifts to offer, and their lives were cut short by a horrible and senseless act.
We are humbled by this darkness. We feel hopeless, helpless, and lost. This is someone that I grew up with and loved. Now I feel like I didn't know this person.
We have always been a close, peaceful, and loving family. My brother was quiet and reserved, yet struggled to fit in. We never could have envisioned that he was capable of so much violence.
He has made the world weep. We are living a nightmare.
There is much justified anger and disbelief at what my brother did, and a lot of questions are left unanswered. Our family will continue to cooperate fully and do whatever we can to help authorities understand why these senseless acts happened. We have many unanswered questions as well.
Our family is so very sorry for my brother's unspeakable actions. It is a terrible tragedy for all of us.
Source: North Carolina attorney Wade Smith, who provided the statement on behalf of the Cho family
This is not the time to teach fear. It is an occasion, an opportunity to reflect. Perhaps, we might learn to love every being, even those that appear to be different or distant.
Seung-Hui Cho My Sadness for Yours . . .
Posted by Betsy L. Angert on April 20, 2007 at 04:43 PM in "Take me as I am!", American Family, Approval or Love, Art of Loving, Have or Be, Change the World [Within], Communities, Communities and Communication , Compassion, Conflict, Complex, Education, Emotional Decisions, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy and Evolution, Family, Functioning, Fables, Humans, Self-Destructive, Looking at Life, Loss of Life, Nature or Nurture, Quality of Life, School Days, School Shootings, School Violence, Society, Teach The Children | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Live Your Life; Rest In Peace
Live Your Life
We wake to work, dress for the job, drive to the office, factory, educational institution, the fields, or perchance, a restaurant. Perhaps, we travel to the site, go underground, or seek scaffolding. Some soar above the clouds to complete their designated task, or is the word "required" a more accurate term for what we do daily.
We spend hours "slaving away" while at work. We then take a bus, a car, a taxi, a train, or a plane and return home. We eat quickly, do a few chores, and chatter with our loved ones, just for a bit. There is so little time for what we enjoy. We are exhausted! We climb into bed, knowing the cycle will begin again tomorrow.
Even the weekends bring no respite. We must run. There is so much to do; it cannot all be done while we are at work. There is little time for relaxation. While on vacation, there are distractions. Our heads are filled with fear of what we have not done for our employer, the company, our customers, clients, or patients. We make a call or two; just to be sure, all is well. Those still on the clock call us. We must stay connected to what counts. The cash we earn is crucial. Without it, how could we afford a holiday?
Even exercise is rote and regulated. How quickly can you jog the mile? Is your walk brisk enough to be beneficial? Swim, but watch your speed. We need a strategy for success.
I will pencil you in. My schedule is tight. Nevertheless, we will meet. We have our priorities. Family is first, then friends, our neighborhood; finally, financial obligations are attended to. Our lives are, as they say, in balance. We spend quality time with those we love. We make sure of this, for we know the quantity of time devoted to work will not decrease. We have our day-planners up-to date.
Excellence in every aspect of life is essential. Thus, we gather and glean. We calculate our every move.
Ultimately, we earn an abundance of wealth, or at least we hope to. We yearn to make enough money to survive. Sadly, and often, our funds may just barely meet our minimal needs. A budget, yes, we have that. Now, where is it? I had the accounting log right here. It must be somewhere in all this mess.
We buy this, then that. Our houses are full with so much stuff. We need to use the garage, basement, attic, crawl space, or a storage space to stock it all. For many, homes hold all they have. In these abodes, we haphazardly arrange what we no longer need, or what we purchased on a whim. Some of what we "possess" has not been seen by a living human soul for decades. The animals and insects may be enjoying our wares. Clutter consumes us as we consume it.
We clean house to settle our soul. Still, we do not feel fully serene. It must be money is on our mind. We do not earn enough, have enough, or handle what we have well. Thus, we work, and work, and work again.
Labor is love. We are providing for our families and taking good care of ourselves.
When legally, we have the right to retire, we do not have the means, or perchance we love our job. Possibly, we feel a fondness for our careers. We are less connected with our families. After all, we are more familiar with our work and co-workers than we are with our spouses, children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, nephews, and community. We see and speak with the individuals that we toil with regularly. Colleagues know us well, perhaps, better than those that we "live" with. Eight hours here, more minutes there, it matters. It adds up. The sum may truly be greater than the parts. Quality can evolve when the quantity of time together is ample.
Sooner, more often than later, we do slow down. The pace is more than we can endure. Years of ignoring our health, and perhaps happiness, take a toll. We tire. We must rest. Perhaps in a box or in an urn, we will find peace. May you find in peace before it is too late to enjoy your life here on Earth!
Posted by Betsy L. Angert on April 2, 2007 at 11:00 AM in American Family, American Jobs, Americana, Approval or Love, Communities, Communities and Communication , Emotional Decisions, Emotional Intelligence, Family, Functioning, Fables, Health, Looking at Life, Over-Scheduling, Philosophy, Quality of Life, Question Everything, Think Travels, Time, “Art of Loving” | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Are Stepparents Real Parents? Are Biological Parents Best?
© copyright 2007 Betsy L. Angert
More than a month ago, I began writing this treatise. The significance of stepparents and adopted parents was on my mind. Gerald R. Ford had passed and there was ample discussion of his heritage. Gerald Rudolff Ford Senior did not father his son in a biological sense. Still, the elder Ford was Daddy. Jerry Ford spoke of his father often and how significant he was in the his life. The elder Ford raised his son as any parent would, even though he was actually a stepparent. Ford, the President was not adopted until he in his twenties. At that age, an adoption was perhaps a gesture; after all Jerry Ford was legally an adult. Gerald R. Ford Junior wanted to honor his father or the man that, young Jerry truly felt was Daddy.
I too was fathered by a man not my biological match. For years, this gentle human choose to relate to me as if I was his own offspring. Legally, we had no connection. Let us call him "Adam," was my stepparent. Yet, this soft-spoken man was my Dad. Long before I could, with permission from the government, call him Daddy he nurtured my heart, mind, and spirit. I too am adopted; my adoption was long in coming. For years my biological father, perchance, we can title him Michael, refused to give his permission. In some states, possibly all, this is necessary. As I listened to President Ford's history, I thought of how it mirrored my own.
My natural father, Michael was extremely wealthy and aloof, as was President Ford's. My birth father could be abrasive, though fortunately not abusive as our President's father was. Perhaps that is why my biological parents were together for more years than the President's were. Still, there are parallels that I think important.
Leslie Lynch King, the biological father of our former President, beat his wife, Dorothy Ayer Gardner, two weeks after the baby's birth. The baby, the man we now know as Jerry, was named Leslie Lynch King Junior. However, life changed after the assault. Dorothy moved in with family and ultimately, years after her divorce from Mister King met a mild manner paint salesman, Gerald Rudolff Ford. The two married. Mister Ford and Dorothy Ford changed the name of their two-year-old toddler. Young Leslie became Gerald Rudolff Ford Junior. The lad was not officially adopted; still, he was Mister Ford's son in every way that mattered.
The Ford family lived a solid and stable life.
Ford grew up in a middle class family. He was a healthy, industrious youth who helped out with the chores."Indifference" was not a term the President used to define Gerald R. Ford Senior; nor is it the word I would choose to define my Dad Adam. However when speaking of Michael, my natural father the utterance, "indifference" seems most apt!When he was 12 or 13, Ford's parents told him he was adopted. He first met his biological father when he was 17 and would see him only one other time. Young Ford was bitter about his wealthy father's indifference toward him. He called their first meeting the most traumatic experience of his youth.
President Gerald R. Ford, often proudly mused, he was a Ford, not a Lincoln. Just as a Ford automobile is considered a car for common people, Gerald Ford thought himself average. The former President was as his Dad, average, a workingman. He was everyman. Leslie Lynch King Senior, Ford's birth father was as a Lincoln vehicle, luxury defined him. Lavishness did not describe young Jerry. He was his "[step]father's" son!
Gerald Rudolff Ford Junior felt as I do, the man I call Daddy may not have been part of the birthing process. Nevertheless, he was there for me, he was with me always. My Dad lives large in my heart and in my mind. Most of my habits are his. I am Daddy's little girl!
Many adopted or stepchildren feel as strong bond with a parent that is not a blood relative. People that do share Deoxyribonucleic acid [DNA] are often disconnected. Yet, the courts do not necessarily honor such truths, a stepparent can be a real father or mother. The bias towards gay couples may have helped to cloud the issue.
Are Stepparents Real Parents?The two split; bad feelings ruled what was no longer a family roost. You may relate as I do. My biological parents appeared to be picture perfect. We had a gorgeous, very large home, in an upper Middle Class suburb. For my eldest sister's twelfth birthday, an extension was built onto the house so that she might have a private entrance. Life looked good; many thought our family was great. Oh, the stories I might tell.
By Po Bronson
Time Magazine
Wednesday, May. 17, 2006This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling, that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans — anyone in a stepfamily. But you'll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.
The case comes out of Washington State. Sue Carvin and Page Britain were lesbians living together since 1989. Their baby, L., was born in 1995, using an at-home artificial insemination kit and some sperm donated from their gay friend. Page Britain carried L. and gave birth, but Sue Carvin became the stay-at-home mom while Page worked to support the family. Their child called Sue "Mama" and Page "Mommy."
For several years, they were a model of lesbian co-parenting.
I recall the day that my Mom walked out. My natural parents had been together for twenty years and ten days. One might think that after two decades plus, after sharing a bed, babies, and billions of memories together, a couple would know for certain that they are right for each other. Considering the two dated extensively prior to matrimony, one might believe that they thought their togetherness was a treasure, one to keep eternally.
Yet, my experience said that this was not true. The day was April 14. It was a Sunday. On most every day of rest we, as a family went out to dine at a local eatery, Litton's, in Philadelphia. The restaurant is no longer there. Eventually the business folded, just as the marriage did. Perchance, my parents were modeling dissolution.
Might that be the destiny for many? After watching a relationship sever, we have a frame of reference. We know how do end an association. I apologize for the digression. I was merely thinking aloud.
I return to the telling. That particular evening was an odd one. The air was ominous. Every moment was unusual. I did not know why. My father actually spoke to me. That alone was somewhat strange or strained. He said we were going to "Lin Ton's" as though dinner would be a Chinese dining experience. I always ordered fried shrimp, on this occasion, I asked for what I usually loathe, "Chicken in the basket." My elder sisters ate that meal regularly and I thought I might try it.
A conversation ensued after we requested our food. It revolved around cleaning bedrooms, maids, money, and obliquely values. My Mom concluded we, her husband, and by extension, her children had none. We were spoiled, stained by materialism, and motivated by money. My Mom got up from the table and walked out. She returned days later, and initiated divorce proceeding.
I was eight years of age at the time and thankfully not connected to Michael, my natural father. I was perhaps less influenced by Michael's love of money, for my biological father never wanted my birth. He had hired someone else to raise me. Fortunately, a very "real" woman did look after me for many years.
When I was still quite young, the man that would eventually become my Dad entered my life. I was five. At the time. My Mom returned to college, realizing that she wanted and needed to create a life for herself. She has a brilliant mind and thought it best she use it! "Daddy" was a classmate of hers. They were in a study group together. The academics often met in our home.
There was no romance between them before my natural parent's split. It was not even a thought, that all came much later. Nevertheless, the man in my life, the man I bonded with was an outsider, not a member of my family.
My story may not be similar to your own; however, I trust that many, according to statistics, at least a third of you are intimately familiar with stepfamilies.
Consider that for every 1,000 couples with children in the United States, only two of those couples are same-sex-oriented. Meanwhile, thanks to the huge number of second marriages, a third of all Americans are part of a stepfamily. The question "Are they real parents?" applies not just to gays and lesbians — it applies to every stepfamily. That's what the kids are testing when they angrily scream, "You're not my real mommy!" And when the biological mother hears that her son has been spanked by his stepmother, she wonders, "She can't do that, can she?"Step-parenting may have been difficult for my "Dad;" it was more so for me. Times were tough or just different, perchance, confusing. The man that felt like Daddy, was Daddy, legally could not be called my father.While we closely monitor how gay rights are granted and taken away, we pay almost no attention to the fact that stepparents are in the same legal limbo. Despite being ubiquitous, step-relationships are rarely recognized by the law. In most states, stepparents are considered "legal strangers" even if they have cared for and supported a stepchild for years. They have almost no official responsibility and barely any rights.
What kind of rights are they deprived of? Some are remarkably banal. For instance, a stepparent can't sign a child's school report card or field-trip permission form. Others are significant. A stepfather can't include his stepdaughter on his family health insurance plan, for example. And she can't inherit from him when he dies.
In the last few years, state family courts have tried to accommodate the stepparents and stepchildren who appear before them, without granting so much that it subtracts rights from a biological parent. In Colorado, a stepparent can now sign the form that allows a minor to apply for a driver's license. And in Oregon, a stepparent can petition the courts for visitation of former stepchildren, if that marriage has ended. In Arkansas, it's even theoretically possible now for a stepparent to win custody over a biological parent. But in each state, it's a different story, and many states are still in denial.
So, a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can't sue.
My Mom refused child support and alimony though she was granted each. She believed Michael's money was tainted. She wanted none of it. We were extremely poor. Welfare came to us, stating we qualified and needed to apply. My parents refused. We grew our own vegetables. My Mom baked our bread. The details are endless; however, they may distract. Thus, I will leave those for another anecdote.
The truer challenge for me was carrying a surname that I felt no connection to. I wanted to legally be as I was in life, Daddy's little girl. I called my Mom's second husband Daddy. He was the only actual father I ever felt I had. He taught me everything, how to build a house, clean my room, ride a bike, reading, writing, 'rithmetic, telephone manners, and best of all how to engage with people. Prior to Daddy entering into my life, I was the exemplary loner. I was totally self-sufficient and felt little need for personal exchanges. I never trusted whether closeness would end. The woman that raised me for five and a half years was fired. I was listening on another telephone line when my father delivered the news to my caretaker.
In Kentucky, a stepchild could use the stepfather's surname in school. I did. However, this inexplicably hurt my natural father. A man that never cared for me, felt carrying on his name was meaningful. I visited him on my tenth birthday. He ranted and rage. He yelled at me. Prior to this event, I had not witnessed screaming directly, certainly, no one had ever hollered at me. I was frightened. The man that was supposed to be a loving father, on one of the rare occasions I ever saw him was shrieking. His shouts were meant for me.
I, thought this meeting was quite traumatic! A man that never acted as my father wanted me to bear his name. Why? The man that was my Daddy had no rights in reference to me. Again, Why, or more accurately, why not?
The legal field is sitting on a huge time bomb. One-third of Americans are just one unfortunate circumstance away from ending up in court demanding their rights — where they will be told that those relationships aren't real, and don't count.Typically, stepparents are thought to be cruel and wicked. As children, we learn this lesson well. Perchance we come to expect this; stepparents must be sinister. They are often under suspicion. You may recall Cinderella was treated with disdain by her stepmother. Her stepsisters ridiculed her and required the fair maiden to be at their beck and call. Newspaper articles support this postulate. While admittedly the research did not assess the quality of relationships or the feelings found within stepfamilies, this report concludes that a biological parent will take better care of a child than a stepparent might.The U.S. Supreme Court has never been pressed to rule whether a stepparent is a real parent, and if so, under what conditions. But when it declined to review Britain v. Carvin, Washington State's test for "de facto," parents instantly became a model for other states to replicate. Through a case everyone thought was about gay rights, stepfamilies just opened the door to the recognition they truly deserve.
Differences Found in Care With StepmothersI agree, a paid caregiver may not have the same bond, or at least the biological parents may not allow it. Even if they do, I suspect my story solidifies what often happens. The employee does not feel they have the right, legally, or emotionally, to stay connected and in touch with the young child they raised.
By Tamar Lewin
New York Times
August 17, 2000Children raised in families with stepmothers are likely to have less health care, less education and less money spent on their food than children raised by their biological mothers, three studies by a Princeton economist have found.
The studies examined the care and resources that parents said they gave to children and did not assess the quality of the relationships or the parents' feelings and motives.
But experts said that while the findings did not establish the image of the wicked stepmother as true, they supported the conclusion that, for complex reasons, stepmothers do invest less in children than biological mothers do, with fathers, to a large extent, leaving to women the responsibility for the family's welfare.
''Being raised by the biological mother gives children a lot of protection,'' said the chief researcher on the studies, Anne Case, a professor of economics at Princeton. ''It's a very big thing to ask someone to care for children instead of the birth mother, who, as the sociobiologists tell us, invests so heavily in carrying the child, nursing the child.''
The studies took their data from two of the broadest, most respected surveys of Americans' households, income, spending, and health habits. While those surveys were not created to analyze stepfamilies, their information is detailed enough to allow comparisons between different kinds of families.Did the survey consider the legal restrictions on a stepparent authorizing health care for a minor child? Might they have looked at the finances? Even when a parent re-marries, it often takes time before the new union is as financially sound as the previous blending was.Among children over a year old, living with both biological parents, the health study found that 61 percent have had a medical checkup within the last year. But among those living with a stepmother and birth father, that number dropped to 46 percent -- and of those whose biological mother was dead, only 35 percent had seen a doctor.
My natural parents were exceptionally wealthy. When my Mom married my "Daddy," Adam, he was a student. He belatedly received his Bacheloriate degree and was going on to pursue post-graduate studies. It was years before we were stable. My biological father had great wealth, in part, because professionally his standards were such he had no qualms; stepping on or over others was his way. He was attentive when assessing his assets; however, children were to be seen and not heard. At least that is the experience of his last child, me, you know the unwanted one.
Of the children living with their biological parents, 74 percent wear seat belts almost all the time, compared with 63 percent of those living with a stepfather and biological mother and 52 percent of those living with a biological father and stepmother.Daddy, the man that truly raised me and adopted me, refused to start the engine unless and until we were all buckled into our car seats. He maintained the car with infinite care. His passengers were his prize. He had always wanted the loving family he helped to create.
Families with a stepmother reported overall household food spending that was about 5 percent lower for each stepchild than in families in which both biological parents were present, the food study found.You may recall, my newer family did not have the money to spend on food. Although we spent less, the quality of our fare was far superior. My Mom is a gourmet cook. When with the biological paternal person, going out, entertaining, was what passed for normal. Rarely were we children part of these hedonistic pleasures. Potpies were my friend. Television dinners as they were once called were frequent. Now processed food is considered healthy.
With Daddy [Adam] in our lives, we ate together. We shared all our meals. My mom grew the vegetables and baked the breads and desserts. Later, Daddy took up fishing. We watched our pennies, for we had few. Still, each evening we dined from a different country. Mommy put up a monthly calendar. She filled in each date. My mom never wrote the specifics for the meal, she only penned the country of origin for the entrée. We ate well. I learned to try what I would have rejected in my earlier life.
In families in which women care for both their stepchildren and biological children, the biological child, on average, went to college for a year, while the average stepchild did not go to college.Oh my gosh; the paternal pretense of a parent in my life thought that girls, only need to attend college to receive an M.R. S. degree. Daddy is a scholar. Daily, he and I would read the paper and review what was read. He would ask me questions, ensuring my comprehension. We would discuss how the news was relevant to our lives. He, my Mom, and I looked up any issue relating to the article. Gaining wisdom was our entertainment. It was not costly, although it was infinitely valuable!Children reared by a stepfather also have lower educational achievement than those reared by both biological parents, although, as in most other measures, the negative effect is only about half as much as with stepmothers.
Prof. Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist of the family at the University of Pennsylvania, said that he did not question the findings and believed that the studies raised important questions, but he noted that stepfamilies vary widely.Perhaps, the learned Professor might benefit from what I learned. Mommy and Daddy encouraged me to "Question everything!" In truth, it is still a family theme.
For example, women who take on a 2-year-old child step into a role very different from that of women who care for a 12-year-old stepchild, and for all stepmothers the relationships evolve as the family becomes better established.This may be very true. My sisters were much older than I and had a very different experience of our blood father. They were not ready to open their arms to Daddy and rejected much of what was to come.''I don't think most stepmothers are evil,'' Professor Furstenberg said. ''If they're less involved, if they take a step back, it may be for the most noble motives, to give the parent more room, to decrease the tension. They may be relying on the child's father when perhaps their trust is unwarranted.''
I often see among friends, the stepparent may want to be a part; yet, the natural parent presumes the children will not understand. The stepfamilies do not often blend, as much as they live together, if that.
With more than half the nation's children living apart from at least one biological parent by the time they reach 18, the functioning of stepfamilies has become increasingly important. Most stepfamilies involve stepfathers, rather than stepmothers, and compared with families in which a single mother is rearing a child alone, the presence of the stepfather and his income help raise the family's standard of living.My own experience suggest two parents are the preferred; however, if one or both are not truly loving, caring, sharing, involved and connected, then what comes is chaos. Children, no matter what the age need to know that someone, preferably a parent figure is there for them in thick and thin. Humans are social animals. We need each other. We are expressive or not; whatever we are, we do not perform well or feel well if we do not feel safe, secure, and sane.Still, previous research has shown that children who did not live with both of their parents had bleaker futures: among other things, they were more likely to drop out of school, become delinquents or engage in early sexual activity and drug abuse than children raised by both parents.
Parents guide us. They facilitate our growth. They protect our hearts and nurture our minds. We need them; actually, they need us too. Love is a necessary. It breeds happiness, joy, and it is the avenue for inspiration, imagination, and innovation. If we are struggling to survive, we do not have time or the means to thrive. Fortunately, even social scientists are beginning to realize this.
But while those outcomes are well known, there has been almost no research on the care, attention and resources such children receive -- and therefore, no way to know whether the damaging effects reflect poor parenting, family instability, lack of money or other factors.Yet, as the article goes on, excuses are made, energies are diverted, and enigmas are voiced.
Many stepmothers are quick to acknowledge that being a stepparent is complicated, particularly when they take on older children and that it is unrealistic to imagine that the new bonds will be the same as those between a biological parent and child.Unrealistic, I think not. We create what we believe. If we expect to be rejected, we will be. If we believe that the children are his, or hers, we will never treat them as ours. Sadly, I contend so much of the chaos we experience we create. When we do not legally give stepparents the right to authentically attend to a child's needs, why would they believe they are able.
I think we must truly evaluate our legal system and family structures. If people wed only to have companionship, if they do not work as a unit to create comfort for their shared children, then stepparents will always be separate from the equation. The sum of the parts, Mom plus Dad plus Children, step or otherwise, is best when it is greater than the whole.
Step through the looking glass and find your world turned inside out. Step Parenting references . . .